As I write this I have not yet found the word for the heading. I feel like as I write what I am feeling the word will become very clear. Of course it is up now but please read on!
I have just had, what I thought to be a very minor procedure done on my ever failing right knee. This is an on going problem of well over a year and a half. I finally got to the right guy, he identified the problem, told me a little surgery would possible fix me for some five years maybe. I was ecstatic to say the least.
My Father had always taught me to be very what I call, independent. Others call it other things. I am a man of privacy and never want to interfere with others lives unless I can be of help. I have just found out that is a two way street. I also just found out I have a little trouble with that concept. Seems I am quiet fine with being there for my friends and family but I am very uncomfortable allowing them to be there for me. I have the most wonderful group of friends and family as I have stated here too many times. But I digress.
I go to get this done and I’m thinking it’s no big deal and the calls and the prayers start the night before!! I have a dear friend who has breast Cancer and is fighting a fight like you can’t imagine, another’s father is battling brain cancer. And still another member of the groups Mom’s brain cancer has returned, and here I am having a very routine knee operation and I’m included in a group pray asking to be watched over!! Give me a break watch over the ones that need it I’ll be just fine.
Then after the fact the closest thing to a sister, in Memphis, I have and a woman I love very much came by to see me after the surgery and her and my wife couldn’t believe I didn’t tell my son about the surgery. My son is in a very critical time he is really making headway in getting on his own and he didn’t, in my mind, need to be worry about something I found to be so minor. I was told by both of these women, whom I love, how unbelievably wrong I was. Something in their words tripped a switch in my head and I started thinking about what they were trying to get me to see. It was not about me, it was about allowing people the space to care. I always just have taken the space and never asked. However, in my case I was not allowing them to care as they have all allowed me. When my wife’s father passed away she allowed me to be there for her and let me care for her as best I could. I’m not real good at that but she was very kind in making me think I was important to her during her time of need. My Memphis sister has always allowed me to be there for her. When her husband feels a little rocky, when one of her chickens as she calls her kids is in a bind. When her father who’s in his 80’s is maybe a little under the weather I am always allowed to so compassion and caring and they always seem to appreciate it as well. When my other Baby Girl was having some many issues with her son I was allowed to be right in the middle of the fray fighting for her sons life and sanity side by side with her. And now here I am trying desperately to keep the people I love the most on the outside. It really hit home when I was told I was not allowing my son to experience and go through these things with us as a family member.
I reflected back to when my Father had Cancer and all the things that happened to me that have more then likely formed the man I am today. And then the thought comes to me how I am not allowing my son to go through this with me seems almost selfish. I never have thought of myself being selfish. I have always prided my self on my selflessness. Then when it counts I am what I always try to avoid, very strange. There are other things in my dealings with my son that I have failed in as well. But I will work hard to rectify them as well. Well today I call him and tell him of my surgery and apologize for not including him in my life. I will not try to justify my actions either, which is another thing I am always trying to do. I will just say I’m sorry and lets move on. I am also making a commitment to handle other unfinished business it him as well. He needs to know that there are times in your life when you must have friends and family to survive. I am Mr. Family and have cut off a member of my own what an eye opener. And I owe it all to my wife and my dear sister friend, if that is what I can call her. Strange thing is my wife and Son have had quiet a love hate relationship for the better part of their lives together. But each separately tells me how much they think of the other. My son has learned more from my wife than he will ever learn from me fairness, responsibility, and respect. None of which I think I taught him. I think he does well today for the brief period, tumultuous, as it might have been; he spent learning the important things from her.
So after rereading this piece the name or word is as clear as a bell, Allowing. That is what a blessed life is all about allowing other into it. Not during just the good times but the bad times or times of need are the most special times of all. Allowing the people that care the most for you to actually show or act out that love instead of just professing it is a huge part of being family and friend. And a bigger part is allowing it to happen. To all my family and friends I’m so sorry and will never stand in the way of love and care again as long as I live. Thank you each and every one who cares for me in the least little bit I need it more now than ever before.
Talk about a blessing. That is to realize before it’s to late to allow people to love you.
Think I’ll go and hug my wife and give her a big ole kiss. Then ask her to do something for me!!!! How Blessed!
The Blessed Man