Sunday, July 29, 2012
Don’t you hate it when you lose something? Especially when that something is important to you. Like your car keys that you knew were just in your hand or you put in your purse just as you got out of the car? I know I do. I often lose things thankfully, rarely, are they important.
However, this time I have lost something that I always thought was important. You see I have truly lost my son.
I was talking the other day to someone who knows more about things than me and we were talking about mine and my son’s relationship. It has never been anything but dysfunctional at best. He and I both hard headed about the things we both believe. As I sat there talking to this person the conversation didn’t last long about my son and I it turned to a place that I never expected. It turned to what is a relationship? What a great question. Think about that for a minute what is a relationship? It is a give and take interaction between two people who are willing to try to have some common ground so they can deepen their feeling for each other on. Very basis I guess but my definition not Webster’s there.
So as I reflect on my relationship with my son I suddenly realize that he is not in a relationship I am. I try to do all of the things a father does, support, advice, comfort, love, care and guide. So I am in a relationship with him. He with me not so much, all he does is call only when he is in a crisis and he must have help getting out of this crisis. So as we look at it he gives nothing but, trouble, heartache, problems, issues, and upheaval. While none of this is in anyway a pleasant feeling for me. He has never put one piece of emotion into our relationship to try to make me feel better about him or anything about him. He simply walks into a room and very routinely and quite purposely stresses me to the max. He is not happy unless I am unhappy. His total goal in life, I believe, is to make mine miserable. And he is very good at making sure he accomplishes his goal. So if we take my definition he gives nothing of value to build anything of value on. You can’t build anything on stress, madness, frustration, and the feeling of being taken advantage of. At least I can’t.
Now before I hear all of the young people supporters out there. You need to give him a chance. He is just trying to find himself. He is a good kid at heart. He will be fine one day. Ok that’s cool with me not sweat he might but if we continue at this pace I will not be here to see any of the miracle of the turnaround of my son. You see I will be dead. My blood pressure is skyrocketing. My health is fading and I contribute most of it to him and a small amount to my job. The job piece I can fix. Money isn’t everything you leave your job for a less stressful one problem solved. And I am actively seeking a solution to the job stresses.
So how do you just leave your Son? What a question. How many Fathers out there have this issue? Well since I have been on my quest to try to find an answer to this important question I have found a few. I spoke with a friend recently. Who years ago came to the place where I am today. You have to cut the ties and save yourself. Is it right? Who knows he seems to have survived as have his sons. Are they close? I think they would say yes. Do they speak on occasion? He tells me they have learned to control their on environment and are making head way in this journey called life. How is he? Marked from the experience, you can see it in his eyes whenever he talks about it. But he wears the mark like a badge of courage. He was willing, and able, to server ties. Cut them off let them sink. How hard was that I asked? He said it was the hardest thing he has ever done. I asked harder than the pain and suffering of the relationship prior to that point? He said yes! Wow what a thing to look forward to. However, for the sake of my son and his ability to make a life for himself and possibly a partner he needs this hard life lesson.
So I will have friends and people I love dearly tell me I am crazy and this is wrong. They might be right but I know I can’t go on like this another day.
The sound of your child’s voice should never bring instant and deep feels of dread. The sight of them should never make you crazy. Their presents in a room should never make you nervous or uncomfortable. If any of those things happen then you are not in a healthy functioning relationship with that person. This is how I feel whenever my son and I interact. Not good.
So I guess this is one time that the old blessed man isn’t so blessed. Or maybe I am. Maybe, just maybe when this is all over I will have a relationship with someone I have loved forever. Maybe the bible story is true and the prodigal son will return home humbled and gracious and understanding of all of the things he once had. I can promise one thing for sure. If I ever see him coming over the hill I will run to meet him and yes we will have one hell of a party, for his return.
I guess once a daddy always a daddy.
Wish me luck!
The Blessed Man