Departure

Well it has happened my dream has come true, so to speak. My son just left for the next chapter in his life, in a far away state. He pulled away from our house, car loaded to the gills, and Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance blaring!! What a picture. One I am sure I will not soon forget.

I wished him luck and told him he could be anything he wanted to be and whatever that became I would be proud of. Don’t know if it meant anything but I felt like it was the right thing to say at that moment.

So it begins; the journey which has been funded by my wife and me with an infusion to get him there and feed him maybe a week. He left talking about opening his own restaurant with his chef buddy down there. Wow to be 22 again! All I think about now is how can I retire. But that’s what 35 years will do to you for sure! I am excited in a way to see exactly how he is going to react to being on his own. I remember the first night I spent in my own apartment and thinking this was the coolest thing ever. Then in 3 weeks the rent came due, then the light gas and water bill. Then the phone bill, car insurance, well you get the picture but that is the last thing you think of when you are enjoying you success over the world for that first brief and, please pardon the word, stupid moment before reality sets in. I wish him that feeling when he gets to his destination.

I guess in reality I have been the gate keeper in his life for entirely too long. He has tried everything to get out of the pen. Now I simply opened the gate. I had a dear friend send me something the other night after I showed my ass at the dinner table. It went something like this. You cannot stand in front of someone and stop them from living their journey. You must step aside and allow them to go and live their life. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was standing in front of the gate and this boy/man has been trying to get out for a long time. Now I think he enjoyed the safety net for sure and doesn’t yet understand it is gone. But none the less I was keeping him from his journey. Well he is on it now and I wish him luck. I, like everyone other father will one day do, now stand back and let this man go into the world for the lesson that are taught there. They are always hard and painful but so important. The things that do not kill you make you stronger and I have a feeling I have just turned, what will be, a very strong man out into a very unsuspecting world!

So I am telling you all he is on the loose and traveling about with his own mind and ideas. Teach him what you have taught me. Family is first. Friends are your life. Children hurt you more than anything or anyone else in the world. As a sidebar; I will never forget when my mother held my son for the first time she was looking at him with a look only a grandmother can have. I asked you don’t love that baby very much huh? She smiled handed him back to me and said these words that have never rang truer than at this moment in my life. “That little thing right there will bring you more joy than you will ever know and can hurt you more than anything or anyone else in your life. Welcome to my world” As I sat there holding this tiny little child I looked down and tried to think of the times I had hurt my mother and of course nothing came to mind. I simply could always remember the happiness and love she had for me and I her. I am sure she spent many a night hurting because of something stupid I did but never did she mention it, WOW. That’s unconditional love. I guess now I just hope one day I can forget all of the hurt he has caused me and only remember the good times, like my mother did for me. Talk about a mother love, man!!

Well you have been warned! I have given notice he is on the way and ready for whatever comes his way. Teach him well and allow him to become a man we will all be proud of.

Good Luck my son. And as they say in Ireland “He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.”

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Hurt

Hurt what a word so diverse, but never a happy thing. It is something we never want to do to someone we love, or even a friend. Have you ever hurt anyone? What did you feel like afterwards when you realized you hurt them? Did it bother you? Did it make you hurt?

Hurt is powerful. Hurt is never kind. Hurt, this is crazy, hurts.

I was hurt tonight by the people I love the most in my life and as I sit here thinking about it I find myself trying to take the blame! Maybe I wear my feeling a little close; maybe I am just to on edge these days. Maybe my job has taken a bigger toll on me than I realize. Maybe the fact that my son is reared his head back into the fore front of my life has totally consumed me and I am crippled by his constant greed and total entitlement, BINGO. I am about to do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Now I have done some things please understand. I watched my father be eaten alive everyday for almost 6 months and was always by his side. I have made a fare life from a guy who grew up in a 900 Sq. ft. house with 4 women! I was way too smart to go to college, like a lot of my friends. I have lost a 25 years career with not even one days noticed and have risen from the ashes to a point of success that not in my wildest dream did I ever believe I could achieve. So I have been around the block. However, I am about to kick my son out of the boat. He will either sink or swim that is up to him. I do not think, no I know, that no one around me has any clue of the resolve I have in this endeavor. I have been, that father, the one who is always there. The one who rants and raves and curses and then in the end throws out the life line, well as Edgar Allen Poe said in The Raven, Never More! I think what hurts the most is no one believes me. This means the only way they will ever see my resolve is for my son to fail and I do nothing. Think about that. I have to let me son fail to show everyone I have had enough seems and sounds ridiculous. My hope is, of course, he makes a success of himself and proves me wrong, and everyone else, who says he will be a success right! However at the end of the day my resolve is sink or swim on your own. I am a firm believer in real men pick themselves up by their boot straps and make their own way. If I fed him, clothed him, made sure he has money, at what point would he say no thanks Dad I need to do this on my own. Correct, at no point. But that doesn’t make it any easier on me. I guess what I wanted tonight was a little we are with you; you are doing the right thing. We will be there to support you when your son starts testing the waters to help you with your resolve. But all I got was laughed at and told how crazy I was/am. I know sometimes men/dads have to walk the road alone and if that’s my journey I am ready and willing to walk it. I am a guy who hates to be alone especially when it is matters of the heart and yes sir this is one big matter in my heart.

So it begins. I am quite sure this is the first in a long line of posts that will come along as this part of my journey unfolds. But thank the lord I have this place where at least no one laughs in my face. You might be laughing but I can’t see it. And you know what, if you are laughing, good for you at the very least I taken your mind off your troubles. As always I bid you peace and happiness

Peace

The Blessed Man

Dance

What’s the picture, in your mind, if someone said dance to you? Would it be that first frightful experience standing there against that wall watching the girls dance with each other petrified inside yet dying to ask one to dance with you? Is it a picture of a lovely lady in a Tutu moving gracefully across a deserted stage to beautiful classic music? Or is it the experience itself? You and the person you love taking to the dance floor to your favorite memory of your courting days?

Well I can tell you what it will mean to me for the rest of my life. I am in a very special place. A place called “The Villages” it is in Florida, middle of the state, no beaches, no waves, no amusement rides, just golf courses, swimming pools, and golf carts everywhere. This is an age restricted community. You must be 55 to own property, and they are selling more than houses here they are selling a lifestyle, and one I really like. But you can read about that online if you like here is the link to their website, The Villages.
Every night, on two town squares, they have live music and dancing. Last night my wife and I were at the Square closest to own home for the week. We were sipping our wine, people watching, sitting in the shade, and having a blast. We noticed a couple dancing, him a rough and tumble salt of the earth looking man, head full of white hair. Her a grandmotherly looking pure soul, white hair to match her beau’s, denim skirt and white cowboy boots. As the music played they moved almost as one around the square. Each step as if they had done it a thousand times before. With every step they became the center of attention not only for us, but all in the square. Gliding around each other they were totally lost in the moment and I truly believe they didn’t notice any of the 200 people enjoying the show we were all being treated too. Lovingly he held her hands and with each turn and dip he always had her, she would never have to worry he was always going to be there. What a treat to see. By the time the music stopped they were the only dancers. As the music stopped and they hugged each other the entire square erupted in a huge round of applause for them. Almost embarrassed they shyly nodded their heads in a sign of their gratitude and moved back to their chairs hand in hand. They had to be pushing 80 if not passed a bit. That is what makes this place special.

We were talking to a couple next to us and they were talking about a study that was done on this community. The results were that people who lived here and participated in the active lifestyle lived and additional five years!! I can remember my dad always saying it is quality of life not quantity. And these people have quality to the max!!

Heaven would be to live here and have my Memphis family with me. How selfish is that. Wanting to uproot my family from their other friends and family to bring them here so I can be happy? Well that is just how I feel!!

So I guess we had better start looking at houses! No I think we need a Cul de Sac for all of my family.. Wait a minute they are playing our song! I had better go get my wife I think it’s time to Dance!!!!

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Helpless

What is the picture in your mind whenever someone uses the descriptor Helpless? Is it a baby bird that has fallen from the nest; a small fawn that has been separated from her Mother? The incredible imagines of a baby Kangaroo making the journey from womb to mothers pouch for the remainder of their gestation period. Interesting enough is all of the examples used are of a child and its
Mother, never the Father.

The pictures that natural paints of the Father Child relationship are those of that leave us all trying to understand how the Father could walk away from his child with such reckless abandon. Why is natural wired in this manner? A better question, are WE wired like that? In our world a Mother is for sure the nurturer watching with a trained eye for even the slightest change in behavior that might send the signal the child is in need. Ever watch a new mother with their first born? They leap to the bedside at the slightest whimper from the little one. The newly crowned Fathers are basically the same way. And here is where I start.

As I have written here numerous times I have a young son that is more than a small trail in my life. He just simply can’t seem to get it through his thick skull that what other people think and say is important, and should be listened too. This, as I have tried to explain a thousand times, is extremely important when the other person is either his Boss or supervisor! However, if he is in disagreement then, they, the person in question (read moron to him) should instantly recognize his superior mental ability and surrender their position and bow to his superior intellect. He has lost no less than 4 jobs because of this character flaw.

I would like to think that I am well respected in my industry. I have many friends who own the businesses that I call on daily. I have gotten my son two jobs in my field. He has been fired from both! It hasn’t damaged me as yet but I cannot allow his continued social ineptness to be my responsibility. And here is where the word helpless comes into play. As his Father I feel totally helpless as I sit by the wayside and watch him fail time after time without trying to rush in and save him. I talk to him, I give advice, I counsel, I try to support as best I can but to no avail. Is this what Fatherhood is all about? Is this how you make a man? Am I doing the right thing? These are the questions I ask myself every single night. The worst part is we have friends, dear friends who are more able to support their children who are close to his age. All he sees is the others, who struggle like him with life, being able to continue a lifestyle I cannot give him. This doesn’t help me either but I simply cannot afford to maintain his lifestyle and mine so I selfishly choose mine. In my heart I believe he will be so much better off making it on his own when he does he will mean something to him, as it did to me. He will feel, as I did, that I made it. I can make it. I am finally a man. He of course doesn’t see it this way. He feels like the entire world has lined up with the sole purpose of making absolutely certain he is trampled and broken. How do you feel that? In and during all of my trails I have never felt like anybody, especially the world as a whole, owed me a thing other than a chance.

So there in lies my dilemma. I guess as I write this I think I am sticking to my same strategy. He has jumped out of the boat he now must swim a while. I will allow him to get a little water in his mouth and make sure some gets in his eyes, but drown; I just simply cannot allow that to happen. Good thing he doesn’t have a clue about this space and even better no one really reads it. But it sure is good therapy for me.

So I am wishing you never have a helpless feeling wherever your children are concerned. If they are successes please call them and tell them you are proud of them. I promise one day I will be able to make that call. Now the question, will I be man enough to carry on that conversation without breaking down with pride?

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Stagnation

I have had a bad couple of weeks. As you can see by the title I am in a bad place. Rare for me, as most times I have always been a, the glass is half full kind of guy. Not of late! My mind and body are here but the rest of me, is definitely somewhere else. And the shocker is, it’s not Florida! The wife and I have found our little piece of heaven and it’s called The Villages. It lies 51 miles north east of Orlando and is Disneyland for adults, more on it when I feel better however.

I am at that age where you start thinking about laying it down and retiring. My job of late has been a constant source of pressure and unhappiness. It is very hard to keep a team together when the atmosphere everyone is in is thick with stress and unrealistic expectations. However, rarely do we all feel badly at the same time. There seems to be one of us, on the team, that is always pulling the rest of us along. The member changes from day to day and sometimes minute to minute, but we always seem to make the finish line. Here lately I am not even interested in the race. I have always been a guy that wants in the game, the give me the ball guy. Now I am not even sure I want to watch the game. It is simply not fun anymore. How arrogant to think that you should actually enjoy what I do to make ends meet. Strangely I always have had a blast making a living, equally as strange is about every 10 – 12 years I have changed careers and when in a totally different direction! Well I just passed 12 years with my current company and I can see the signs. Total lack of interest, I feel like this is due to the fact, they, read my company, has a total lack of interest about me and my team. They are of the opinion that a clan of cave bears could do what we do every day and they would save $1,000 of dollars. Well I got bad news. If my team left altogether I promise they couldn’t make another goal for 5 years!!! We are a special group of people that really get it. We build houses every single day and none of us have one single hammer or even one nail but somehow these people everyday go out and make miracles happen and not one person above me has ever acknowledged their success. There are 3 divisions in my company. Mine, another and, a combined division of the two working under separate accounts. My team has an over $225,000 surplus to goal working with our fiscal year ending in 2 weeks!!!! They are going to walk to goal. The others you asked one is a million dollars behind and the combined division I have their shortfall made up in my area made up for them!!! Not one person other than me has ever stuck their head in our team meetings and said good job!!! So tell me how do you motivate people when there are taken for granted? But I guess that is how Corporate America rolls. I still do not have to like it.

I was working at a previous job and will never forget actually voicing my opinion about this praise issue I have with corporate America and my boss telling me that they paid me to do my job and my paycheck was all the praise I should need! I was floored. I was that guy that got there 30 minutes early got everything set up so that the day when smoothly stayed late if needed and never bitched. Some of the other guys, never on time, never did anything other than their job, and they were getting the exact same thing I was, a paycheck. What a standard! So I vowed to be like them. Sadly or not I couldn’t!

So here I am again in a state of stagnation. But this time I really can’t leave I have a lot of people depending on me for a lot of things. So I guess it’s time to make lemonade!!!

Thanks for listening and please pass the sugar!!!!

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Preaching

As I was sitting in church this morning I got the feeling I get sometimes and that is that the preacher is suddenly talking to me! I am blessed it happens often where I attend due to the quality of the preacher. He was talking about things people have done in the past to maybe discount you. I started thinking back and was hoping I couldn’t come up with times in my life where I had to discount someone for me to feel better. I remembered one time and I think it was because of the outcome I do not do it anymore.

It has to be over 30 years ago now. My best friend to this day and I were talking about with some people I really didn’t know. Well this girls name came up and I said something, not to nice about her, and the guy in the conversation I didn’t know said hey man that’s my sister! I couldn’t believe what I had just done. Everyone looked at me and I was no doubt the ass of the ball at that point. I have never forgotten the way I felt at that moment. Embarrassed, humiliated, and foolish were the feelings that even came back today as I sat in church wondering if anyone but me remembers the event. Then the preacher when on about other things he spun a new side to the sermon that really hit me harder than the first one. He started talking about things people might have said using examples like “You will never amount to anything”, “You’re an embarrassment to me”. “You are not worth anything”. As I sat there I almost started to weep as I have said those exact words to someone I truly love, my son. He can make me madder than anything, quicker than anything, and I am just not equipped to handle it at all. I have written in this space many times the frustrations I feel as I try to guide him through his life trying to help him avoid the pitfalls and mistakes his father has made. However, he acts as if I am the stupidest person alive. I know no other way to deal with it than to lash out at make it hurtful. I see friends and family deal with their children and it becomes clearer to me that the good lord is really testing me. I think I am a relative smart person and have a diverse view of the world patience in most cases and commented to doing well in anything I put my mind too.

So why can’t I get this Dad thing correct? What is the lesson here I ask myself. This is the one area of my life that I truly feel like I have failed. The larger factor is I am failing someone I love and have a responsibility to prepare them for a fruitful live. Why can’t I get this through my head? What is the block? As I sat there fighting with all of these ghosts this morning I am still battling them this afternoon. I have tried to commit to having patience with him. We sit down and in 3 seconds, or sooner, I have lost my temper. We have the most volatile relationship that is in my life, this is wrong. I started to think about the Dad’s I know and the relationships they have with their son’s. I can’t think of anyone who has the love hate relationship that my son and I have. What I really don’t understand is how to fix it.

I love my son. I have expectations of my son. And there is where I think the problems lay. He has totally different expectations, if any at all. I see an intelligent young man wasting his life away with job after job not even trying to get into a career. I see a young man when I was his age I was married and supporting a family. I see a young man with no responsibilities and living a care free live. Maybe that’s it, I am jealous? I sowed my wild oats but I grew out of it. What is taking him so long to get the picture that you need to get established and start working toward becoming a member of polite society?

I will never know I guess. I just need to stop take a breath and try harder to simply allow him to be him and quit taking responsibility for him. It would be so much easier if one of us lived in another area of the country. But for now that’s not happening.

So I guess that’s really about it. I hope if you have children you have a wonderful relationship with them. I hope they always ask for your counsel and then listen to you when you give it. I hope that every time you look at them you say, I am proud of you. You are important. You can be anything you want to be. I love you. And all of the other things the preacher said this morning were good thoughts.

For me this is a new day. I am proud of my son. He can be whatever he chooses and I will support it in spirit. He is important. Wow this is going to be hard.

Thanks for listening,

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Return

Wow, it is hard to believe that it has been over 6 months since I wrote anything for this blog! That gives me a much fuller appreciation for the people whom are talented enough to just sit and write. Me, I am an emotion guy. Something has to move me to make me write or comment in this space. Not that I haven’t been emotional in the last 6 months. The stress in my job has been taken to new and unimaginable heights. The constant reminders of my short falls as a parent haven’t let up either. My Memphis family is still rock solid on most fronts. And my angel of a wife still amazing me every day with the kindness and total agape love she demonstrates constantly to her Mother. But some switch was simply turned off, nothing there, simply same Ole, same Ole, just nothing to report. Well last night the switch was turn on.

Last night I had the great privilege to attend a wedding. I can hear you now a wedding trigger all of this? Yes, a wedding. But this wasn’t just a wedding this was a WEDDING. I will try to explain so you might be able to understand.

In my business, as in yours more than likely, you get invited to things that otherwise you would not be able to attend. This was such an event. It was the “who’s who’s” of the community. The church was decorated with fresh flowers, as they all are, however, in this case there were so many you could smell them like you were in a field full of them as you sat waiting for the service to begin. Closing my eyes and breathing deeply in I was taken back to my Grandmother’s house the fresh aroma of the flowers and the solemnest of the moment made me think of her and the times she drug me to church where she always had the preacher fresh flowers every Sunday so we had to get there early, the absolute bane of my life when I was a pre-teen.

The music, live by a wonderful string quartet and horn section playing Classical music as it was meant to be heard in a chamber like atmosphere where it echoed beautifully throughout the church. The wedding party, men in tails, women in floor length gowns perfectly fitted and beautiful. The bride, whom I didn't know, in a spectacular dress with a train behind it that drug for 5 rows of seats. As I sat there taking this all in I thought what a special thing it was for her especially. The groom, whom I knew, was dapper with his father and brother standing alongside looking on with the pride in their faces only family love could compose. The service was everything the scene promised and was a joy to be a part of, very well planned an orchestrated from start to finish.

Then came the reception; this is where the emotional wall was torn down I have been hiding behind for over six months. It was so special, a lovely crowd of people all listening to the bands and enjoying themselves. Here is where it hit me. The bride’s father was living every Dad’s dream. He was able to provide a wedding for his precious daughter in the style all little girls dream about, that of a princess. Not being female, and having a son, I have no fantasies about this part but can only imagine this had to be close. There was nothing missing. From the food, to the wine, the cakes, the flowers again, and the overall feel of the event this has to be what fantasies are made of. What joy he must have felt last night as he laid his head down to sleep knowing he put it all on the line for his little girl. What memories the bride and groom have of this Lancelot and Guinevere type affair. What a fitting way to begin a life. We all should be so lucky!

I hope the Bride’s parents understand what a wonderful job they did last night. The event was a testimony to their undying love for their daughter and the total acceptance of the groom into their family. I can only wish my son is so lucky to be accepted by his future family in this manner.

Well guess I am back for a while. Seems like they have awaken the writer in me hopefully for a while, I do enjoy this so much.

So for now if you have daughters love them like the princess they are, even when they are not. And if you have sons be grateful, you only pay for the rehearsal dinner!!!

Peace

The Blessed Man