Unexpected

We have all been to our friends children’s weddings. We all sit around and talk about how glad we are that we are not picking up the tabs. How we have all changed. How quickly the kids are growing up. How beautiful the bride is. How handsome the groom is and what wonderful parents they will make. It is normally a very routine evening with family and friends. Then there is the unexpected!

Last night my pretend sister’s daughter got married. We have been a part of the planning process of this grand event for months. Mainly as support staff or the people who say “everything will be perfect”, or “That’s a great idea”, or “Wow I would have never thought of that” stand point. From the dress to the hair it has been an experience to be long remembered.

The groom a young man whose has made these pages before. A stand up guy if ever there has been one who will be a loving husband and good provider for the rest of his life with my adopted niece. This ceremony started as normal as any I have ever attended the gathering of friends meeting and catching up on everyone’s goings on. The trying to remember which side was the brides. The chamber music the beautiful church and flowers, just normal as all of the others I have ever attended. As the mothers were seated something changed. As I watched my pretend sister being seated by her husband, one of my best friends, I had a rush of emotion come over me like I had never had before. It was suddenly like I was evolved in this process from a deeper place. Watching as each brother of the bride and son of my friends entered the sanctuary everything began to really mean something to me. And then when the bride walked down the aisle she was the most beautiful thing I think I have ever seen. It was like I now know what it must be like to see your child walk down the aisle. The bride’s father beaming with pride her Mother smiling with a look on her face that must be what angels look like when they welcome you into heaven the look of total an absolute love and joy. As I stood there as they passed I was totally caught up in the moment. The emotion that ran through me was one with which I am not familiar a feeling of happiness and love as if this were someone who belonged to me! Standing there with what had to be a dumbfounded look on my face I am very happy no one saw.

As the couple moved through the ceremony the feeling simply would not be tamed. I was totally caught off guard. As they turned to face each other and the vows were exchanged I found myself doing something I have never done in my live. I had to wipe tears off my cheek!! Here I sit crying as if I had a player in this game. What was happening to me? I was totally surprised and confused. As I tried to gather myself I got a little lost in the moment and if the truth be known I think I enjoyed it!!

At the reception I had found myself and was going to tell my pretend sister about what happened as I started the story it happened again and I barely got through the story!! What a wimp!!

The reception was a blast I have never, in all of my experience, seen a couple more available to the attendee’s of the reception. The bride and groom danced with all who were there and there were numerous very special moments both funny and touching. As the wife and I watched them leave in the limo I suddenly knew this was a very special night for me as well. This was the night that I experienced the closest thing to a daughter I will ever have got married. And how cool was this that I didn’t have to pay a dime and got all of the feelings as if I were a part! Talk about blessed once again I was treated better than I deserve! So now not only do I have an adopted sister I have an adopted daughter!!!

So my angel I can only hope your life is as blessed as mine and that along your road you get to share your life with people exactly like you and your family! To know the feeling I got to share in last night. To be a part of something which is much bigger than the whole. To know what joy and love feel like so deep in your heart that you really didn’t know that place existed. Thank you my darling for showing me that place last night. I have always heard that there are numerous places in your heart, a place for your Mom, a place for your Dad, and a place for your spouse. We last night I got to know a place I really thought I would never know. The place that belongs to a daughter and for that I will be forever blessed! So for those of you with daughters be thankful for this special place. For those of you who do not have them I pray for you that once in your life you get to feel what I did last night.

So I now wish each of you peace and grace. My we all never lose sight of the important things in life. That would be, in my case, family, friends and crying at weddings!!!

Peace

The Blessed Man

Unafraid

What a term. How wonderful would it be if we could live everyday of our lives unafraid? Never fearing any of the bad things that come our way and always feeling we were going to be taken care of. This is the feeling my precious Mother in Law has every day. In the last 2 weeks she has digressed a great deal. She no longer knows where she is how she got here or even where the bathrooms are in our house. She has lived here for over a year and a half. I sat at the table today as she asked my wife. What is the building? How did we get here? Why are we here? Do I have any family here? My wife with the patience of a saint answered every question with the love only a daughter can possess. Five minutes later the entire scene is repeated. With the voice only god can give one my wife answered the questions again. Then she asked her mother the most important question I have ever heard. She said does it scare you that you can’t remember anything. Her Mother thought a minute and then said no not really. Unafraid!

Later that night we are in the kitchen and my wife is expressing her concern we talked about how and what it must feel like to not know anything. My Mother in law is always kind of heart. You hear the horror stories of the elder relatives who are brutally mean to the care givers this is not the case here. She is always kind and helpful and seemingly comfortable with her surroundings. We have decided it must be like having amnesia, just simply not knowing your surroundings and those who are caring for you at all. As we each put ourselves in that position we agreed that it might scare us a bit. After the conversation I started thinking about my mother in law and her life up to the point now where she might be struggling a bit. She has always been a strong woman coming from the diary country of Wisconsin in the early 1900’s. She is an educated woman graduating college in a time when few women even went to college. Married and had a few very tuff experiences through that ordeal. But the strongest part of her character has to be her unwavering faith in God. She is an ordained minister in the First Assembly of God. She is a leader of women and men and has the heart of a lion and the demeanor of a lamb. She is truly convictable as a woman of God in court. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that’s why she is unafraid. She knows, and has faith, that God will take care of her no matter what. What a testament of faith. But this is how she has lived her entire life. At 93 she still says the blessing before every meal we eat. Her entire being changes when she prays. Her voice gets stronger, she stands a little taller and she prays as if God was in the room. I know her prayers get above the roof. May we all possess this kind of faith one day; it has got to make your life easier.

Well just wanted to share someone who lives life unafraid. May we all live like that one day. And may we all have someone like my wonderful, angelic wife to watch after us if we do stumble.

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Unimaginable

I witnessed something this afternoon I thought was unimaginable. I watched my friends, whose dad just died, do his father’s funeral. As I sat there and listened to my friend recounting all things his Father I tried to put myself in his shoes. I remembered back when my Dad left me. I was prepared. I had my Mother as my main focus. I made sure all went as we had planned during his funeral. I made sure no one did anything he had asked not be done, but to officiate the service, not a chance. I watched my friend with his wife; mother and children sitting not 5 feet from him capture the essence of his dad for all there who did not known the man. He spoke about how they really never had cross words. He even gave an example of when he tried to kind of get under his dad’s skin, but his dad wouldn’t take the bait. As he continued he would mingle in stories about his kids and his dad, his mother and his dad, his dad and friends, his dad and him. Voice always strong except when he talked about his own children and how he hoped he could be the example his father was to him and them.

That got me to thinking. What would my son say at my wake? I can promise you my son and I have had numerous wars of words. I am not so sure I have been a very good example of a dad. I swear I try to be there but can never make the grade. My hard head always wins and I go off like an atom bomb and here we go again. All I want is for him to be better than me. Is that too much to hope for? I know my standard for him is higher than any I might be able to attain but this is about him not me. I know what the real world is like, and no one out there takes prisoner, they all shot to kill and it takes great wisdom and courage to make it. If I give him every single thing he thinks he needs then when I am gone he will be soft and not ready. How did my friend’s dad do it? How did he balance the skills of getting his son so ready for the world, he became a leader of men, and still never had crosswords? I think when my friends gets a little better, and removed from this, that will be a conversation we have over a really nice bottle of wine.

I can promise you my son could not say those things about me. However, in my defense, and yes, I have one. All I have ever wanted for him was for him to be happy and safe. I want him to know the joy and comfort of being able to make it on his own. To know, no matter what he can eat tomorrow, and have a place to stay because he is in control of his life and destiny. That might sound a little melodramatic I know but that’s how I feel my Dad left me. When my Dad passed I was on my own, married and doing just fine. In my lifetime I have lost jobs unexpectedly and have never been sunk. Because I feel like my dad taught me how to survive. He taught me how to work hard, and never give up. I tell my son that, yet all he sees is his counterparts not having to work hard and never give up, so I am an uncaring dad in his eyes, as he has called me many times. Will I ever live to see him learn the lesson I am so desperately trying to teach him? I know I am not too sure my dad had all of the confidence in me either. However, he did leave me in charge of his most prized possession, his wife, my mom!

So I guess we are back at the beginning. I have always had respect for my friend whom I saw today. He went up a few notches in my eyes. I guess you know your son has achieved all you have asked for when he has the wherewithal to stand up, and preach your funeral, Unimaginable.

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Understand

As a regular reader of this blog you already know I have huge issues with my son. In fact, I use this venue as a venting spot or maybe just as a talk out loud spot to try to make sense of the things he says and does. I understand that times are a changing as they say. I also understand that it is in every parents DNA to want better and an easier road for their children. Where the disconnect comes for me is when the two collide, and the child is all of a sudden expecting the bale out. My son recently said to me “I’m your son you had me it’s your responsibility to make sure I’m taken care of”. I also came unglued. This is out of the mouth of a 21 year old veteran of our United States military system telling me he can’t get things done so it’s suddenly my job to do his job! I don’t understand.

All I have to go from is my life experiences. My parents, whom I have written about here at great length, I think wanted what was best for me. I feel like I was taken care of and provided all of the things I needed to get to where I am today. I have a wonderful wife, a nice house, and more friends than one man should have. I have a good job; I am reasonably successful in my field. I go to Church on Sunday and even do a little charity work to try to make the world a better place. So I think my parents would be proud of their son. In the same “talk” when he told me I was responsible for his care. He also told me “That my father was not a good Dad” it’s been over 6 years since I have put my hands on my son; this was a close as I have come in that time. He knew he stepped over the boundary and tried to explain it away as if I was taking what he said out of context. Give me a break. I can only strive to have the strong will my father had with me. He was firm and always stood his ground and never said anything he didn’t back up. Me on the other hand have made false threats, said things I was going to do and never followed through which I truly think has hurt my son in his journey in life. Wow, I guess you can add always trying to take up for him, and his foolishness, as I am doing right now. There are kids in this city right now who do not have fathers who are further along than my son. So where is the disconnect?

Why do I suddenly take on my son’s train of thought? Where are my father’s lessons of sink or swim? Did they have such an effect on me that I am not willing to allow my son learn that life is not fare. What is the end product of not allowing him to fail? What happens to him when it’s really on the line and I’m not around to “take responsibility for him”? I think the parents of my generation had it right. As I look back they understood that the time to fail is when you are young. You bounce back a lot quicker. Take a look around you as we speak. There are a lot of people who have been hit hard by either the economy or life in general. It takes longer to get back the older you are. So as a young man when I quit my really good job thinking I was going back to school, only to register and go for about a month and then realize that it takes money to live on. It was much easier for me to go out get a job and understand I’m not a college guy. I’m a life lesson guy. Maybe that was my first one really!

I did a test this past week. We had another “talk” where we disagreed on his take on a situation and so we parted ways on rough terms. I need to interject here that he always asked for advice. I give it. Then he proceeds to tell me how it is flawed!!! I told my wife I was not going to call him and asked her how long before I hear from him. She said, maybe 2 days. I told her I would hear from him when he needed something. It was four days. He needed me to do something for him. And the killing part was, he acted like all was cool, as if we were close, on great terms, and nothing had happened earlier. I guess we were. I did what he needed.

As I write this it becomes extraordinarily clear that I truly might be the issue. But then how do you simply abandon your child? I do not understand. Maybe abandon is a serve word. How do you teach your child to stand on his own two feet and when life deals them lemons, they must learn how to make lemonade, even if you don’t have sugar? As you can see I still have no understanding of any of this but, as predicted, I do feel better about it.

This is when I miss my Dad the most. What a blessing it would be to be able to call him and say please help me understand what the hell your grandson is thinking. One thing I know, he would not solve my problem, but I promise he would have something to say that would lead me to the solution. I miss you Dad. If your parents are still alive call them right now, while you can.

Well the family is here tonight for dinner better get the chicken brining. Thanks for listening and I sure hope they have internet in heaven. Maybe my Mom and Dad will understand how much I miss them and more over how much I still need them.

Peace,

The Blessed Man