If there is one emotion / feeling that truly upsets me it is helplessness, especially when it is real. Well this is so real it hurts. I am so blessed that my adopted sister and her husband choose to come stay with us for a few days to try to get their hands around the loss of their youngest son. A feeling that I cannot even start to imagine what they must feel like.
These are two people who mean the world to me. I would absolutely take a bullet for either one of them. They far surpass the meaning of true friends, they transcend into family. Whenever I’m with them I truly feel like I am with family.
As they spent time here over those 10 days I found myself at such a loss. I want to grab them both hug them until the pain goes away. I wish that I could wave a wand and the pain and suffering could be passed to me. I have a feeling like I have never had as I have to stand there and watch them ache on the inside. I pray for words and deeds to heal them but they just do not come. My heart bleeds for my dearest family. Helpless
You often hear about people getting angry with God. Why do awful things happen to such wonder people, we ask? As you have read in the prior post over 700 people attended the memorial. Tell me these people have not touched and changed lives of many. As we all try, to no avail, to mend a hurt that is unfixable.
As I was working today I my mind drifted into that place of praying for my family. As the tears stream down my face and my heart aches to the breaking point I try to understand why. Then I am blessed to have faith. I have faith that there is good in this. I have faith that at the end of this journey we will all emerge stronger, better, closer, more forgiving and loving to one another. If this tragedy safes another person in need then is it a blessing? Is this in some way an exercise in brings us all closer? Making us aware of how much we depend on each other to face the day to day struggles we all face.
I still remain helpless. I will try my best to be strong. This is my commitment; I will take Jordi’s memory and influence on my life and try to every day look for a chance to use the things he passed along to us all. That zest for life. That smile. Those hug when you walked in the room. That no fear attitude. These are the things we honor. Are we sad he is gone? Without question. Do we understand the reason? Not a chance. Can we move forward? I think Jordon would be so disappointed if we didn’t. The way he lived and acted, stagnation was never an option. It was move forward, what’s next, let’s go.
I will close with a poem that I truly believe was heaven sent as I was feeling helpless. I simply hope and pray that my adopted sister and her husband can somehow get to this place. I Love y'all
I thought of you today but that’s nothing new
I thought of you yesterday and the days before that too
I think of you in silence, and often speak your name
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame
Your memory is a keepsake from which I will never part
God has you in his arms; I have you in my heart.
The Blessed Man