I always write about my emotions and feeling I have never written about todays subject before. Pain. The kind that keeps you up at night, makes it hard to walk, is a constant drain of you emotionally and physically. The kind I have had for over 3 years every day. I write about it today because whenever I write about the other things I seem to feel better so I am going to try this outlet again for a little solace.
My granny, who taught me how to cook, clean a chicken, gather eggs, and garden a little was riddled with Arthritis. I can still see her withered hands going along never complaining about a thing and always thanking the good lord for a blessed life. I can always remember when it got cold she would suffer the most always rubbing her hands and trying to get them lose enough to make me something I loved to eat, or going to sit by the stove so she could quilt a little where the warmth of the stove would loosen her hands enough to enjoy her passion. She was as solid as a rock, buried 3 of her 5 children. A more humble woman I have never met. When she finally was out of her misery the funeral home couldn’t hold the people coming to pay their respects, a wonderful tribute, to an extraordinary woman.
I watched, as my Father was eaten alive by cancer. His, as you have read here before, was all consuming lymphoma. By the time they found it he had less than 6 months to live and all they did was try to make him comfortable. I can remember going to the treatments almost daily and him saying he didn’t know which was going to kill him first the treatments or the cancer. He would just ache from his cancer and really never complained. He was always mindful of my mother and he never wanted her to know how really bad he hurt. He said it made her fell back and he would never be a party to that. We were blessed the doctor gave him mega doses of pain killers so when it got really bad we could help him in the only way we knew how with a pill for some forced rest.
Me, my knees, I have had severe knee pain for well over three years in both of them. I had a small surgery back in February that was to fix one of them. It has really brought no relief. My right knee is bone on bone and the doctors have all told me I am too young for knee replacement. They say I am over weight and that is causing the unrelenting pain. I am over weight however, what really gets me the most is I see people who are a lot more over weight than me and they walk just fine. Why is this, my path in life? What is the good lord trying to teach me? What is to be learned from hurting every waking moment? I truly try to be like my Granny and father mentioned above I really try to never draw attention to my plight. My friends all know when I have bad days and all wonder, like me, why can’t this be fixed. I am sure there is a lesson here and as soon as I learn it the pain will subside. I just wish I was smart enough to see what it was.
So I guess I will continue to seek out the lesson. I will forge ahead using the examples I have shown here to be my guide for learning each day that there are people out there is worst shape than me. I have a great job, great friends, and a loving family. Come to think of it that’s the same things my granny and Dad had and they made it just fine.
So I guess it has worked. I just need to stop focusing on my pains and worries and just be thankful I have a support group that loves me and cares about me and let that be solace enough to at least open my eyes to the fact that it is not all about me and my pain. I have had others go before me that showed me this fact but for some reason until this moment I have never put into this prospective. So Granny and Dad I will use your example of selfless suffering to try to overcome whatever is standing in my way of getting better.
So once again I get up from this computer, somewhat slowly, but feeling better for being here. My all of your pains be controllable, short and life lessoned learned.
The Blessed Man