Helpless

What is the picture in your mind whenever someone uses the descriptor Helpless? Is it a baby bird that has fallen from the nest; a small fawn that has been separated from her Mother? The incredible imagines of a baby Kangaroo making the journey from womb to mothers pouch for the remainder of their gestation period. Interesting enough is all of the examples used are of a child and its
Mother, never the Father.

The pictures that natural paints of the Father Child relationship are those of that leave us all trying to understand how the Father could walk away from his child with such reckless abandon. Why is natural wired in this manner? A better question, are WE wired like that? In our world a Mother is for sure the nurturer watching with a trained eye for even the slightest change in behavior that might send the signal the child is in need. Ever watch a new mother with their first born? They leap to the bedside at the slightest whimper from the little one. The newly crowned Fathers are basically the same way. And here is where I start.

As I have written here numerous times I have a young son that is more than a small trail in my life. He just simply can’t seem to get it through his thick skull that what other people think and say is important, and should be listened too. This, as I have tried to explain a thousand times, is extremely important when the other person is either his Boss or supervisor! However, if he is in disagreement then, they, the person in question (read moron to him) should instantly recognize his superior mental ability and surrender their position and bow to his superior intellect. He has lost no less than 4 jobs because of this character flaw.

I would like to think that I am well respected in my industry. I have many friends who own the businesses that I call on daily. I have gotten my son two jobs in my field. He has been fired from both! It hasn’t damaged me as yet but I cannot allow his continued social ineptness to be my responsibility. And here is where the word helpless comes into play. As his Father I feel totally helpless as I sit by the wayside and watch him fail time after time without trying to rush in and save him. I talk to him, I give advice, I counsel, I try to support as best I can but to no avail. Is this what Fatherhood is all about? Is this how you make a man? Am I doing the right thing? These are the questions I ask myself every single night. The worst part is we have friends, dear friends who are more able to support their children who are close to his age. All he sees is the others, who struggle like him with life, being able to continue a lifestyle I cannot give him. This doesn’t help me either but I simply cannot afford to maintain his lifestyle and mine so I selfishly choose mine. In my heart I believe he will be so much better off making it on his own when he does he will mean something to him, as it did to me. He will feel, as I did, that I made it. I can make it. I am finally a man. He of course doesn’t see it this way. He feels like the entire world has lined up with the sole purpose of making absolutely certain he is trampled and broken. How do you feel that? In and during all of my trails I have never felt like anybody, especially the world as a whole, owed me a thing other than a chance.

So there in lies my dilemma. I guess as I write this I think I am sticking to my same strategy. He has jumped out of the boat he now must swim a while. I will allow him to get a little water in his mouth and make sure some gets in his eyes, but drown; I just simply cannot allow that to happen. Good thing he doesn’t have a clue about this space and even better no one really reads it. But it sure is good therapy for me.

So I am wishing you never have a helpless feeling wherever your children are concerned. If they are successes please call them and tell them you are proud of them. I promise one day I will be able to make that call. Now the question, will I be man enough to carry on that conversation without breaking down with pride?

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Stagnation

I have had a bad couple of weeks. As you can see by the title I am in a bad place. Rare for me, as most times I have always been a, the glass is half full kind of guy. Not of late! My mind and body are here but the rest of me, is definitely somewhere else. And the shocker is, it’s not Florida! The wife and I have found our little piece of heaven and it’s called The Villages. It lies 51 miles north east of Orlando and is Disneyland for adults, more on it when I feel better however.

I am at that age where you start thinking about laying it down and retiring. My job of late has been a constant source of pressure and unhappiness. It is very hard to keep a team together when the atmosphere everyone is in is thick with stress and unrealistic expectations. However, rarely do we all feel badly at the same time. There seems to be one of us, on the team, that is always pulling the rest of us along. The member changes from day to day and sometimes minute to minute, but we always seem to make the finish line. Here lately I am not even interested in the race. I have always been a guy that wants in the game, the give me the ball guy. Now I am not even sure I want to watch the game. It is simply not fun anymore. How arrogant to think that you should actually enjoy what I do to make ends meet. Strangely I always have had a blast making a living, equally as strange is about every 10 – 12 years I have changed careers and when in a totally different direction! Well I just passed 12 years with my current company and I can see the signs. Total lack of interest, I feel like this is due to the fact, they, read my company, has a total lack of interest about me and my team. They are of the opinion that a clan of cave bears could do what we do every day and they would save $1,000 of dollars. Well I got bad news. If my team left altogether I promise they couldn’t make another goal for 5 years!!! We are a special group of people that really get it. We build houses every single day and none of us have one single hammer or even one nail but somehow these people everyday go out and make miracles happen and not one person above me has ever acknowledged their success. There are 3 divisions in my company. Mine, another and, a combined division of the two working under separate accounts. My team has an over $225,000 surplus to goal working with our fiscal year ending in 2 weeks!!!! They are going to walk to goal. The others you asked one is a million dollars behind and the combined division I have their shortfall made up in my area made up for them!!! Not one person other than me has ever stuck their head in our team meetings and said good job!!! So tell me how do you motivate people when there are taken for granted? But I guess that is how Corporate America rolls. I still do not have to like it.

I was working at a previous job and will never forget actually voicing my opinion about this praise issue I have with corporate America and my boss telling me that they paid me to do my job and my paycheck was all the praise I should need! I was floored. I was that guy that got there 30 minutes early got everything set up so that the day when smoothly stayed late if needed and never bitched. Some of the other guys, never on time, never did anything other than their job, and they were getting the exact same thing I was, a paycheck. What a standard! So I vowed to be like them. Sadly or not I couldn’t!

So here I am again in a state of stagnation. But this time I really can’t leave I have a lot of people depending on me for a lot of things. So I guess it’s time to make lemonade!!!

Thanks for listening and please pass the sugar!!!!

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Preaching

As I was sitting in church this morning I got the feeling I get sometimes and that is that the preacher is suddenly talking to me! I am blessed it happens often where I attend due to the quality of the preacher. He was talking about things people have done in the past to maybe discount you. I started thinking back and was hoping I couldn’t come up with times in my life where I had to discount someone for me to feel better. I remembered one time and I think it was because of the outcome I do not do it anymore.

It has to be over 30 years ago now. My best friend to this day and I were talking about with some people I really didn’t know. Well this girls name came up and I said something, not to nice about her, and the guy in the conversation I didn’t know said hey man that’s my sister! I couldn’t believe what I had just done. Everyone looked at me and I was no doubt the ass of the ball at that point. I have never forgotten the way I felt at that moment. Embarrassed, humiliated, and foolish were the feelings that even came back today as I sat in church wondering if anyone but me remembers the event. Then the preacher when on about other things he spun a new side to the sermon that really hit me harder than the first one. He started talking about things people might have said using examples like “You will never amount to anything”, “You’re an embarrassment to me”. “You are not worth anything”. As I sat there I almost started to weep as I have said those exact words to someone I truly love, my son. He can make me madder than anything, quicker than anything, and I am just not equipped to handle it at all. I have written in this space many times the frustrations I feel as I try to guide him through his life trying to help him avoid the pitfalls and mistakes his father has made. However, he acts as if I am the stupidest person alive. I know no other way to deal with it than to lash out at make it hurtful. I see friends and family deal with their children and it becomes clearer to me that the good lord is really testing me. I think I am a relative smart person and have a diverse view of the world patience in most cases and commented to doing well in anything I put my mind too.

So why can’t I get this Dad thing correct? What is the lesson here I ask myself. This is the one area of my life that I truly feel like I have failed. The larger factor is I am failing someone I love and have a responsibility to prepare them for a fruitful live. Why can’t I get this through my head? What is the block? As I sat there fighting with all of these ghosts this morning I am still battling them this afternoon. I have tried to commit to having patience with him. We sit down and in 3 seconds, or sooner, I have lost my temper. We have the most volatile relationship that is in my life, this is wrong. I started to think about the Dad’s I know and the relationships they have with their son’s. I can’t think of anyone who has the love hate relationship that my son and I have. What I really don’t understand is how to fix it.

I love my son. I have expectations of my son. And there is where I think the problems lay. He has totally different expectations, if any at all. I see an intelligent young man wasting his life away with job after job not even trying to get into a career. I see a young man when I was his age I was married and supporting a family. I see a young man with no responsibilities and living a care free live. Maybe that’s it, I am jealous? I sowed my wild oats but I grew out of it. What is taking him so long to get the picture that you need to get established and start working toward becoming a member of polite society?

I will never know I guess. I just need to stop take a breath and try harder to simply allow him to be him and quit taking responsibility for him. It would be so much easier if one of us lived in another area of the country. But for now that’s not happening.

So I guess that’s really about it. I hope if you have children you have a wonderful relationship with them. I hope they always ask for your counsel and then listen to you when you give it. I hope that every time you look at them you say, I am proud of you. You are important. You can be anything you want to be. I love you. And all of the other things the preacher said this morning were good thoughts.

For me this is a new day. I am proud of my son. He can be whatever he chooses and I will support it in spirit. He is important. Wow this is going to be hard.

Thanks for listening,

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Return

Wow, it is hard to believe that it has been over 6 months since I wrote anything for this blog! That gives me a much fuller appreciation for the people whom are talented enough to just sit and write. Me, I am an emotion guy. Something has to move me to make me write or comment in this space. Not that I haven’t been emotional in the last 6 months. The stress in my job has been taken to new and unimaginable heights. The constant reminders of my short falls as a parent haven’t let up either. My Memphis family is still rock solid on most fronts. And my angel of a wife still amazing me every day with the kindness and total agape love she demonstrates constantly to her Mother. But some switch was simply turned off, nothing there, simply same Ole, same Ole, just nothing to report. Well last night the switch was turn on.

Last night I had the great privilege to attend a wedding. I can hear you now a wedding trigger all of this? Yes, a wedding. But this wasn’t just a wedding this was a WEDDING. I will try to explain so you might be able to understand.

In my business, as in yours more than likely, you get invited to things that otherwise you would not be able to attend. This was such an event. It was the “who’s who’s” of the community. The church was decorated with fresh flowers, as they all are, however, in this case there were so many you could smell them like you were in a field full of them as you sat waiting for the service to begin. Closing my eyes and breathing deeply in I was taken back to my Grandmother’s house the fresh aroma of the flowers and the solemnest of the moment made me think of her and the times she drug me to church where she always had the preacher fresh flowers every Sunday so we had to get there early, the absolute bane of my life when I was a pre-teen.

The music, live by a wonderful string quartet and horn section playing Classical music as it was meant to be heard in a chamber like atmosphere where it echoed beautifully throughout the church. The wedding party, men in tails, women in floor length gowns perfectly fitted and beautiful. The bride, whom I didn't know, in a spectacular dress with a train behind it that drug for 5 rows of seats. As I sat there taking this all in I thought what a special thing it was for her especially. The groom, whom I knew, was dapper with his father and brother standing alongside looking on with the pride in their faces only family love could compose. The service was everything the scene promised and was a joy to be a part of, very well planned an orchestrated from start to finish.

Then came the reception; this is where the emotional wall was torn down I have been hiding behind for over six months. It was so special, a lovely crowd of people all listening to the bands and enjoying themselves. Here is where it hit me. The bride’s father was living every Dad’s dream. He was able to provide a wedding for his precious daughter in the style all little girls dream about, that of a princess. Not being female, and having a son, I have no fantasies about this part but can only imagine this had to be close. There was nothing missing. From the food, to the wine, the cakes, the flowers again, and the overall feel of the event this has to be what fantasies are made of. What joy he must have felt last night as he laid his head down to sleep knowing he put it all on the line for his little girl. What memories the bride and groom have of this Lancelot and Guinevere type affair. What a fitting way to begin a life. We all should be so lucky!

I hope the Bride’s parents understand what a wonderful job they did last night. The event was a testimony to their undying love for their daughter and the total acceptance of the groom into their family. I can only wish my son is so lucky to be accepted by his future family in this manner.

Well guess I am back for a while. Seems like they have awaken the writer in me hopefully for a while, I do enjoy this so much.

So for now if you have daughters love them like the princess they are, even when they are not. And if you have sons be grateful, you only pay for the rehearsal dinner!!!

Peace

The Blessed Man

Christmas 2010

Well as I write this Christmas is a short 4 days away. As I often do I went back and read a couple of the older Christmas posts and remember fondly where I was in that part of my life. Hard to believe this is the third year of this thing!

Christmas this year will be different like they are every year I guess. This year we have a couple of new members of the family. We have little Jax Ellis, and we have the soon to be son-in-law! You remember him from the post about how he treat his Mother is how he treats his soon to be wife. Spoils her mercilessly, much like her Father!! We have the soon to be daughter- in- law, she is so special, you will remember her from the proposal post.

We are all a year older. Wiser is still out for consideration. As I reflect on this past year and look to 2011 what hits me now is how no matter how much you want it to life moves on. Just like a might river nothing really can stop it. Whenever it hits to banks or obstacles it simply erodes them away or chooses a path around them always marching to the open waters of the delta. Life is like that, it simply marches on to our ultimate fate. What counts is making sure you are not trying to change the course at every turn. This is a lesson I hope I have learned in the closing part of this year. My son and I have gone through a drastic change. I have finally gotten out of his business and into minding my own. I cannot, and will not, be responsible for his bad choices. I will be there to tell him “sucks to be you” and listen to him plan his strategies trying to get out of whatever he has gotten himself into. It really seems to be working as we now speak only briefly on the phone and it’s “how are you”, “I’m Fine” “Cool” “What are you doing for dinner” and things like that. No more weeping and gnashing of teeth over every single phone call. I think this is going to make a huge difference in my health as well. He was starting to make me crazy.

My sweet wife and her mother are living their final days out together. What a blessing to be able to stay with the person who started you out in life and guided you along during your early years. My wife thanks me every day for allowing this to happen. What she doesn’t understand I think is how committed I am to making sure she is with her till the very end. If I had to go get 2 more jobs like my Dad did she will not work again as long as her mom is with us. They both deserve at the very least that.

So as this Christmas season comes and goes I have a simple pray that we each can just allow the river to flow. Always knowing that the keeper of the river will never let the water get over our heads. We might get a little water in our mouths and eyes, might even go under, but never for the third time. So enjoy your family and friends during this special time of year. I know I am.

Merry Christmas

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Unafraid

What a term. How wonderful would it be if we could live everyday of our lives unafraid? Never fearing any of the bad things that come our way and always feeling we were going to be taken care of. This is the feeling my precious Mother in Law has every day. In the last 2 weeks she has digressed a great deal. She no longer knows where she is how she got here or even where the bathrooms are in our house. She has lived here for over a year and a half. I sat at the table today as she asked my wife. What is the building? How did we get here? Why are we here? Do I have any family here? My wife with the patience of a saint answered every question with the love only a daughter can possess. Five minutes later the entire scene is repeated. With the voice only god can give one my wife answered the questions again. Then she asked her mother the most important question I have ever heard. She said does it scare you that you can’t remember anything. Her Mother thought a minute and then said no not really. Unafraid!

Later that night we are in the kitchen and my wife is expressing her concern we talked about how and what it must feel like to not know anything. My Mother in law is always kind of heart. You hear the horror stories of the elder relatives who are brutally mean to the care givers this is not the case here. She is always kind and helpful and seemingly comfortable with her surroundings. We have decided it must be like having amnesia, just simply not knowing your surroundings and those who are caring for you at all. As we each put ourselves in that position we agreed that it might scare us a bit. After the conversation I started thinking about my mother in law and her life up to the point now where she might be struggling a bit. She has always been a strong woman coming from the diary country of Wisconsin in the early 1900’s. She is an educated woman graduating college in a time when few women even went to college. Married and had a few very tuff experiences through that ordeal. But the strongest part of her character has to be her unwavering faith in God. She is an ordained minister in the First Assembly of God. She is a leader of women and men and has the heart of a lion and the demeanor of a lamb. She is truly convictable as a woman of God in court. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks that’s why she is unafraid. She knows, and has faith, that God will take care of her no matter what. What a testament of faith. But this is how she has lived her entire life. At 93 she still says the blessing before every meal we eat. Her entire being changes when she prays. Her voice gets stronger, she stands a little taller and she prays as if God was in the room. I know her prayers get above the roof. May we all possess this kind of faith one day; it has got to make your life easier.

Well just wanted to share someone who lives life unafraid. May we all live like that one day. And may we all have someone like my wonderful, angelic wife to watch after us if we do stumble.

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Birthday

Had a good friend of mine send me a note today marking all of the events, and first in aviation that happened on this date, December 17. The Wright brothers first flew was among the facts and tidbits he included. He has spent his entire career in the aviation. I got to thinking about the date and remembered something else of merit happened on this date; 79 years ago, My Mother was born!

I have spent the day remembering my Mother. This day marked the first day of Christmas in our house. It was the day we got to put up our tree because my dad would not allow anything to be more important than my Mother’s birthday. This day also marked the beginning of the gift giving season, as my Mother got to open one gift a day, starting today, until Christmas. I think it made my Dad a lot happier than her because she always wanted everyone to open gifts early. I can remember this time of year my Mother getting everything from little puppy dogs, diamond rings, watches, and bracelets, too automobiles. My Dad worshiped her and her him. It was not a Ward and June Cleaver thing they truly loved each other. My Father is the one who taught me how to treat my wife. And I can only hope that, if he were here today, my darling wife would thank him.

Another tradition in our house was you got to eat anything for dinner you wanted on your birthday night. Well Mother’s again was a little different. She always got to go out where we always had to stay home!! I can remember once when Mother asked to take us along on her birthday dinner. I think it almost hurt my Dad’s feeling. We got to go because Mother got what she wanted, but you could tell we were getting a peak into something that my Dad really wanted to keep between him and her. After all with 4 kids there wasn’t a lot of together time. Other than the early morning or the late nights whenever it was he was off was their only time. Tthis time of year my Dad would work 3 jobs if he could juggle the schedules. He worked at the airport, 37 years, he always played in a band every weekend, and this time of year would work at Corondilet, or Goldsmiths, or somewhere stocking at night, or putting bikes together, or doing something to make it all happen for the rest of us. I can remember him coming home dead tired and seating at the washing machine, feet up, drinking boiling hot coffee and talking to my Mother. I can remember, when my room was next to the kitchen hearing them talking about everything from his music to money. She always had time for him and when he was home, and awake he was the numero uno thing.

As I sit here wishing I could call her today and wish her happy birthday there is no way I can be sad. I can see her in heaven sitting at the table with my Dad his feet up on the washing machine talking about whatever you talk about in heaven. One thing is for sure it’s not money anymore!!

Call your Mother, if you can, even if it is not her Birthday

Love you Mom, Peace

The Blessed Man