Hurt

Hurt what a word so diverse, but never a happy thing. It is something we never want to do to someone we love, or even a friend. Have you ever hurt anyone? What did you feel like afterwards when you realized you hurt them? Did it bother you? Did it make you hurt?

Hurt is powerful. Hurt is never kind. Hurt, this is crazy, hurts.

I was hurt tonight by the people I love the most in my life and as I sit here thinking about it I find myself trying to take the blame! Maybe I wear my feeling a little close; maybe I am just to on edge these days. Maybe my job has taken a bigger toll on me than I realize. Maybe the fact that my son is reared his head back into the fore front of my life has totally consumed me and I am crippled by his constant greed and total entitlement, BINGO. I am about to do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Now I have done some things please understand. I watched my father be eaten alive everyday for almost 6 months and was always by his side. I have made a fare life from a guy who grew up in a 900 Sq. ft. house with 4 women! I was way too smart to go to college, like a lot of my friends. I have lost a 25 years career with not even one days noticed and have risen from the ashes to a point of success that not in my wildest dream did I ever believe I could achieve. So I have been around the block. However, I am about to kick my son out of the boat. He will either sink or swim that is up to him. I do not think, no I know, that no one around me has any clue of the resolve I have in this endeavor. I have been, that father, the one who is always there. The one who rants and raves and curses and then in the end throws out the life line, well as Edgar Allen Poe said in The Raven, Never More! I think what hurts the most is no one believes me. This means the only way they will ever see my resolve is for my son to fail and I do nothing. Think about that. I have to let me son fail to show everyone I have had enough seems and sounds ridiculous. My hope is, of course, he makes a success of himself and proves me wrong, and everyone else, who says he will be a success right! However at the end of the day my resolve is sink or swim on your own. I am a firm believer in real men pick themselves up by their boot straps and make their own way. If I fed him, clothed him, made sure he has money, at what point would he say no thanks Dad I need to do this on my own. Correct, at no point. But that doesn’t make it any easier on me. I guess what I wanted tonight was a little we are with you; you are doing the right thing. We will be there to support you when your son starts testing the waters to help you with your resolve. But all I got was laughed at and told how crazy I was/am. I know sometimes men/dads have to walk the road alone and if that’s my journey I am ready and willing to walk it. I am a guy who hates to be alone especially when it is matters of the heart and yes sir this is one big matter in my heart.

So it begins. I am quite sure this is the first in a long line of posts that will come along as this part of my journey unfolds. But thank the lord I have this place where at least no one laughs in my face. You might be laughing but I can’t see it. And you know what, if you are laughing, good for you at the very least I taken your mind off your troubles. As always I bid you peace and happiness

Peace

The Blessed Man

Helpless

What is the picture in your mind whenever someone uses the descriptor Helpless? Is it a baby bird that has fallen from the nest; a small fawn that has been separated from her Mother? The incredible imagines of a baby Kangaroo making the journey from womb to mothers pouch for the remainder of their gestation period. Interesting enough is all of the examples used are of a child and its
Mother, never the Father.

The pictures that natural paints of the Father Child relationship are those of that leave us all trying to understand how the Father could walk away from his child with such reckless abandon. Why is natural wired in this manner? A better question, are WE wired like that? In our world a Mother is for sure the nurturer watching with a trained eye for even the slightest change in behavior that might send the signal the child is in need. Ever watch a new mother with their first born? They leap to the bedside at the slightest whimper from the little one. The newly crowned Fathers are basically the same way. And here is where I start.

As I have written here numerous times I have a young son that is more than a small trail in my life. He just simply can’t seem to get it through his thick skull that what other people think and say is important, and should be listened too. This, as I have tried to explain a thousand times, is extremely important when the other person is either his Boss or supervisor! However, if he is in disagreement then, they, the person in question (read moron to him) should instantly recognize his superior mental ability and surrender their position and bow to his superior intellect. He has lost no less than 4 jobs because of this character flaw.

I would like to think that I am well respected in my industry. I have many friends who own the businesses that I call on daily. I have gotten my son two jobs in my field. He has been fired from both! It hasn’t damaged me as yet but I cannot allow his continued social ineptness to be my responsibility. And here is where the word helpless comes into play. As his Father I feel totally helpless as I sit by the wayside and watch him fail time after time without trying to rush in and save him. I talk to him, I give advice, I counsel, I try to support as best I can but to no avail. Is this what Fatherhood is all about? Is this how you make a man? Am I doing the right thing? These are the questions I ask myself every single night. The worst part is we have friends, dear friends who are more able to support their children who are close to his age. All he sees is the others, who struggle like him with life, being able to continue a lifestyle I cannot give him. This doesn’t help me either but I simply cannot afford to maintain his lifestyle and mine so I selfishly choose mine. In my heart I believe he will be so much better off making it on his own when he does he will mean something to him, as it did to me. He will feel, as I did, that I made it. I can make it. I am finally a man. He of course doesn’t see it this way. He feels like the entire world has lined up with the sole purpose of making absolutely certain he is trampled and broken. How do you feel that? In and during all of my trails I have never felt like anybody, especially the world as a whole, owed me a thing other than a chance.

So there in lies my dilemma. I guess as I write this I think I am sticking to my same strategy. He has jumped out of the boat he now must swim a while. I will allow him to get a little water in his mouth and make sure some gets in his eyes, but drown; I just simply cannot allow that to happen. Good thing he doesn’t have a clue about this space and even better no one really reads it. But it sure is good therapy for me.

So I am wishing you never have a helpless feeling wherever your children are concerned. If they are successes please call them and tell them you are proud of them. I promise one day I will be able to make that call. Now the question, will I be man enough to carry on that conversation without breaking down with pride?

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Hollow

I have had something very unusual happen to me in the last 60 days. Three people I have worked with for more than 25 years have lost their spouses. I have seen people I have not seen in over 10 years at the three funerals. What a sad way to have a reunion of some of the most fun people I have ever known. These are people I grew up with, not only in an industry, but as a person as well. It was good to relive some of the fonder memories as we visited with our sadden friends.

Having been to the third funeral this morning, and seeing a mountain of a man reduced to a shell, I started to understand the over whelming remorse he was feeling. I loved this man when I worked with him. He was an unusual guy from a stand point of you either liked him, or you hated him. One of the few men in my life I have ever known that was this way. I am blessed to have known him. He showed me a lot of things during the time I worked with him. I think the one thing he did that the hated him people saw was he was very comfortable with the truth. No matter what the receiver might think, he was very comfortable taking the other side if that is what he believed, a rare trait in deed. Looking into my old friend’s eyes this afternoon all I saw was a hollow being. It was like his soul had been stripped from him. His wife’s death was very sudden and he and his family were in shock.

I got to thinking about my own wife, and what if something happened to her. To tell you the truth I started crying driving down the street. Isn’t it strange how we come into this world an individual, and if you are blessed you become a team? As someone once said “there is no I in team”. For that matter there is no I in any of my teams. I’m so blessed to be a member of so many teams. I have my Memphis Family team. Every member to a person gives so the others are taken care of and comfortable. We just returned from vacation and one couple of the family stay behind. Daily, they checked on my wife’s mother, and her brother who was tending the home fire while my wife got a much deserved break. She would text my wife daily with updates and reassuring her all was good back at the house. That’s what true teams do. I have my work team. A small group I know I can count on the go the extra mile and not expect anything for the effort. It’s all for the good of the group. I’m very proud to be on all of my teams.

As I reflect back on the three funerals there was a hollow feeling at each one. I even remember feeling it as I remembered the fun times I had shared with the people involved in this tragedy. Strange how I hadn’t thought of most of these people until I heard of the death, and saw them at the funeral home. I knew them, and considered them friends but people retire, move on, lose touch, and become focused on their own issues as we all do. Wouldn’t it be great if we would do what we say we will do at these events? “I’ll call you”, “We’ll get together”, “Let’s stay in touch, here’s my email”. But somehow we end right back in our own little world where we feel comfortable and safe. What a shame. Well I guess I need to put it in my calendar to make sure I call my friend in a month and check on him. That is the least I can do for a guy who I spent twenty five years around. Don’t you think?
Well I’m going in here and cook dinner. The Memphis Family is headed this way and I need to put the feed bag on them!! But I can promise you the first thing I’m going to do is go and hug and kiss my wife and tell her how much she means to me. I would hope and pray if the good lord takes me the last thing she heard me say was “I Love You”. And I wish the same for you.

Peace,

The Blessed Man

History II

As you have read recently, I got a nice history lesson. Well last night I got another one, and this one, was a stone cold blast. As everyone here knows I am blessed to have wonderful friends. Two of them took my wife and I to see Rain last night, here in Memphis. If you don’t know what Rain is it’s a Beatle tribute band, and a damn good one. As the show was getting the crowd ready they were showing things, on a huge screen, that were happening when the Beatles were just coming to America. As I sat there watching all of things that happened, I realized, I have lived a lot of history. I remember most of it, I assure you I have friends who do not!!!

They showed the space program as it progressed, the moon landing; my grand father died believing they were in the dessert in Arizona!! Woodstock, my birthday weekend by the way, the peace movement, the summer of Love and all of the San Francisco culture. My father always told me that San Fran was going to fall of in the ocean one day when the good lord got sick of all them liberal hippies out there!! The civil rights marches, and the shooting of Doctor King. I remember that very clearly, a sad day for Memphis, and humanity as a whole.

Then they started on the fashions, or the lack there of, depending on what camp you are in; the Nehru jackets, yes I had one and was very studly in it. Of course it was blue paisley in color. Damn I’m glad there are no photos of that part of my life. Oh hell, there are a few, but my sister whom my mother lived with until she died has them, and no one goes to Alaska! I had huge hair issues. As a recent example, my wife and I were talking the other day, about my hair. She was talking about the kind of hair I had, and added, “the kind that grows around a monkey’s ass”. I almost died laughing! Damn I love that woman!! My hair looks like I saw Medusa but not enough to get turned to stone. Clear on the top, but Bozo like on the sides. Get the picture? Did you throw up in your mouth a little? Well maybe it’s not that bad, but it’s been the bane of my life, forever. When the Beatles hit I wanted to grow my hair out like the other normal people. Huge mistake. At this time in my life I was young. That equates to having hair, and lots of it, not clear on the top but full and wild. Picture, riding a wild horse through a small brier patch with me being under the horse! God love my Mother, she always told me it looked good. Now I know why my old man always wanted to be home, or be awake, when I left the house. It was the only time in his life I can remember him laughing out loud! I wonder now why I have self esteem issues. But I digress!

As I sat there last night watching all of these people from my generations and those closely to me, it was special. Several times during the night we all stood up and it was fun to watch us get up, popping and creaking. Back in the day, we were jumping and dancing in the aisles. Last night we were quite content to just stand and wave our hands in the air and clap like we were young again. I saw people, older than me and younger than me, all living history. What a blessing. As my wife put it, this takes me back to a time when I didn’t have a care in the world I was happy and carefree. She said it has been a long time since she experienced that much joy. I must agree even if my hair was clearer and grayer than it was back then!

Here’s hoping you get to relive a little of your joyous history. If so, please do not worry about your hair! Just clap and dance like no one is watching!!!

Peace,
The Blessed Man

History

I had a unique and special experience this morning. As I have said here before I live with my 92-year-old mother-in-law. She is a wonderful woman and absolutely no trouble and really a joy to be around. Now at 92 she might repeats herself every now and then but over all she is amazingly lucid most of the time. Oh, and did I mention she lives upstairs! Yep, upstairs the stairs I dread to climb on the off chance I have blown a fuse or need to boot the wireless router. My we all be this agile when we are 92!

Back to my story. This morning I got a rare history lesson. Most of the history we get by reading. I got this one from the person that lived it. This morning she got to talking about the days of her youth. Growing up on a diary farm in Stanley Wisconsin. Talking about going to the country school. Telling story after story of how life was different back then. She always started off each new story with” life back then was hard” and always ended each story with “I guess it really wasn’t so bad, really”. Stories of her father and his ability to make anything he needed because town was so far off and it was easier. Stories of her grandfather and how he used to pick on her. And how her grand mother would always send her a card with a dime in it and how she would look forward to that card and treasure that dime because that was a lot of money back then! The stories of how her sister was a better milker than her because she would just walk in and hit that cow with her milking stool move her around and milk her. She said that cow just stood there and took it because she knew my sister meant business. And how whenever they asked her to milk she always would get kicked and her and bucket would go flying! She told a story of riding the sleigh to school in the winter wrapped in horse blankets because of the cold. The school was 5 miles away! My grocery store is less than 5 miles away. My school I rode a bike through 8th grade and thought I was going to be marked for life!! Then the story of how she rode a bus from Stanley Wisconsin to Atlanta, Georgia to go to college that some man in town put up her entrance fee. I asked her who it was and how much it was and she didn’t remember she just knew she was not living in the country she wanted to be a city girl! Can you only imagine riding a bus from those places in 1929? Hell, I don’t ride a bus across town and wouldn’t want to and she rode one from almost one end of this country to another in the 20’s! Then came the stories of her college times, the marriage to her husband, and their kids. It was a conversation I will treasure always.

Now think about it. What history have you lived? Would anyone want to talk to you about your experiences? Have we really seen a lot of change? Think of the change she has seen. She was born in the house that she lived, in not a hospital. There was no electricity, indoor plumbing, they got a car but not until she was almost off to college. No telephone, cell phones, television, cable, Ipods or just about anything we think we can’t live without nowadays. And please remember she closed every story with “I guess it wasn’t that bad really”!!! Are you kidding me, wait a second, maybe it wasn’t. All of her stories were about family and friends. Every single story I heard this morning related back to a family member of hers and how much they depended on each other not only for entertainment but for survival as well. As I looked into her eyes this morning with each story they grew more and more lucid and clear. She was there and I could see it hell I was there as well. Special, very special.
Wow what would happen if that were today. If we suddenly were catapulted back in time and had to depend on each other and the talents we all had to make it all work out. Well I am proud to tell you I could make it as long as I can take my Memphis family and few friends.

You know I have seen a lot of change in my life as well. I only hope and pray one day someone will allow me to take a walk back though time, as she did with me this morning, and relive what I am sure I thought were the tough times. I am sure I will close my stories with “I guess it wasn’t that bad really”!!!!!

Peace
The Blessed Man

Histrionic

I know I have you running for the dictionary now but I had to find the right word for this post. Histrionic, means overly dramatic. In an effort to try to stick to the one word theme of this Blog I had to do am little searching for this post!

I had lunch yesterday with the closes thing to a brother I have on this earth. I have known Red for 50 years. We grew up together have done things together we are proud of and some things, maybe more than we would like, that we are not so proud of. We have been through the deaths of our parents together and the birth of our children. I think you get the picture we are close.

I was feeling rather sorry for my plight and myself yesterday so I decided I would eat with Red and tell him all of my worries and see what he thought. We I opened the lunch with, what I thought to be, a sack full of problems. He listening intently as he always does and offered his view, which is always a different, prospective from mine and I found it to be helpful to me.

Then I asked the sixty four thousand dollar questions. “How are things in your world?” What followed was a five-day span our occurrences that if they had happened to me I would be going down I-55 on a pogo stick naked!!! His middle daughter is leaving her husband, and moving in with him and his angel of a wife. Then his brother gets kicked out of his house for some improper behavior and he moves in. Here is a good place to say his brother and his wife are vinegar and water not mixing them! Then his youngest daughter loses her job and tears up her jeep in the same day. And the end of this brief period he has picked up 2 more mouths to feed and 2 more cats bringing the total cat count to 12!!!

As I sat there listening to him my mind couldn’t help but wander off thinking what a dick I was. Here I was feeling sorry for myself being so over dramatic, hence the word histrionic, as to think the little bit of unrest in my life was worthy of all of this fretting I am doing and here is my best friend in the world literally going though circumstances that, if it were me, would have sidelined me. And he is working and plugging along as if nothing is really a matter. What a crybaby bitch I was becoming. I offered support and a comedian moment or two during his story and we parted both better for the lunch. Me, due to the fact he opened my eyes to how truly blessed I am. Him, for a quiet moment where we slipped back in time to a place where there was no kids, responsibilities and pressure and enjoyed just simply being together as best friends.

As I sit here and rethink the entire lunch I realize that basically we all are histrionic in some form. We all feel like our problems are greater than anyone else’s and woe is me. When really all it takes is a ride downtown, a trip into a hospital lobby, or numerous other places where we can find people with much heavier crosses to bare than our on. So in the end as always I find that I am truly a blessed man once again. Here my best friends taught me that there is always someone who is worst off than you and we should find the blessing wherever we can. Red even told me that as we were wrapping up. He said at least I have my familt together for the holidays. Damn what an attitude all of the pressure and stress and he is glad to have all of his family close. Turns out he is blessed as well.
Well I am going to try to live as if I understand there are people out there much worst off than myself and if I find one maybe reach out a hand an offer a little help.