Lost

Don’t you hate it when you lose something? Especially when that something is important to you. Like your car keys that you knew were just in your hand or you put in your purse just as you got out of the car? I know I do. I often lose things thankfully, rarely, are they important.


However, this time I have lost something that I always thought was important. You see I have truly lost my son.

I was talking the other day to someone who knows more about things than me and we were talking about mine and my son’s relationship. It has never been anything but dysfunctional at best. He and I both hard headed about the things we both believe. As I sat there talking to this person the conversation didn’t last long about my son and I it turned to a place that I never expected. It turned to what is a relationship? What a great question. Think about that for a minute what is a relationship? It is a give and take interaction between two people who are willing to try to have some common ground so they can deepen their feeling for each other on. Very basis I guess but my definition not Webster’s there.

So as I reflect on my relationship with my son I suddenly realize that he is not in a relationship I am. I try to do all of the things a father does, support, advice, comfort, love, care and guide. So I am in a relationship with him. He with me not so much, all he does is call only when he is in a crisis and he must have help getting out of this crisis. So as we look at it he gives nothing but, trouble, heartache, problems, issues, and upheaval. While none of this is in anyway a pleasant feeling for me. He has never put one piece of emotion into our relationship to try to make me feel better about him or anything about him. He simply walks into a room and very routinely and quite purposely stresses me to the max. He is not happy unless I am unhappy. His total goal in life, I believe, is to make mine miserable. And he is very good at making sure he accomplishes his goal. So if we take my definition he gives nothing of value to build anything of value on. You can’t build anything on stress, madness, frustration, and the feeling of being taken advantage of. At least I can’t.


Now before I hear all of the young people supporters out there. You need to give him a chance. He is just trying to find himself. He is a good kid at heart. He will be fine one day. Ok that’s cool with me not sweat he might but if we continue at this pace I will not be here to see any of the miracle of the turnaround of my son. You see I will be dead. My blood pressure is skyrocketing. My health is fading and I contribute most of it to him and a small amount to my job. The job piece I can fix. Money isn’t everything you leave your job for a less stressful one problem solved. And I am actively seeking a solution to the job stresses.


So how do you just leave your Son? What a question. How many Fathers out there have this issue? Well since I have been on my quest to try to find an answer to this important question I have found a few. I spoke with a friend recently. Who years ago came to the place where I am today. You have to cut the ties and save yourself. Is it right? Who knows he seems to have survived as have his sons. Are they close? I think they would say yes. Do they speak on occasion? He tells me they have learned to control their on environment and are making head way in this journey called life. How is he? Marked from the experience, you can see it in his eyes whenever he talks about it. But he wears the mark like a badge of courage. He was willing, and able, to server ties. Cut them off let them sink. How hard was that I asked? He said it was the hardest thing he has ever done. I asked harder than the pain and suffering of the relationship prior to that point? He said yes! Wow what a thing to look forward to. However, for the sake of my son and his ability to make a life for himself and possibly a partner he needs this hard life lesson.


So I will have friends and people I love dearly tell me I am crazy and this is wrong. They might be right but I know I can’t go on like this another day.


The sound of your child’s voice should never bring instant and deep feels of dread. The sight of them should never make you crazy. Their presents in a room should never make you nervous or uncomfortable. If any of those things happen then you are not in a healthy functioning relationship with that person. This is how I feel whenever my son and I interact. Not good.


So I guess this is one time that the old blessed man isn’t so blessed. Or maybe I am. Maybe, just maybe when this is all over I will have a relationship with someone I have loved forever. Maybe the bible story is true and the prodigal son will return home humbled and gracious and understanding of all of the things he once had. I can promise one thing for sure. If I ever see him coming over the hill I will run to meet him and yes we will have one hell of a party, for his return.

I guess once a daddy always a daddy.



Wish me luck!



Peace,



The Blessed Man

Father's Day

Well yesterday is one of my toughest days of the year.  You see, if you read any of these musings, you know I struggle desperately with my role as a father.  I truly think I have failed my son as a Father.

My Father, we have talked about him for ages here.  A great man, a provider, caregiver, lover of my Mother, and stable home we always had. But let’s talk father.  We didn’t do much together as he was always working so my Mother could stay at home with us.  Most of my memories of my Father are him sitting at the kitchen table feet on the washing machine smoking and talking to my mother.  His other favorite place, sitting in his chair in his underwear watching T.V., always tired, always planning his next trip to work.  I can remember he took me to play golf a couple of times, fishing a few others.  When I turned 18 he took me with him to watch him play in his band that was probably my coolest memory of him.  Were we close, I have always thought we were.  What did he teach me about being a Father?  You take care of your kids and try to make them into adults.  You try to make sure when you are gone they can make it without you around.  I can remember him telling me it was his job to make sure he left the world with a man not a burden.  I think he did his job.  What about other father’s I know?

What about my friend’s fathers?  Well they are all gone now but my memory is that they were just like my dad.  Always working and always trying to make us into adults.  My two closest friends and I were really raised by three sets of parents. The funny thing was the rules were basically the same at all three houses.  I think we have all turned out to be good adults. We all have kids and they are all completely different from each other.  I have seen and known several men I thought were good Fathers.  My adopted sister’s husband comes to mind as well.  Four children each what many call “perfect kids”.  I am blessed to be very close to the family so I know they are not all perfect.  Now they are as close as any I have every encountered but perfect, now well behaved and adjusted?  Amen, an in spades. 

So where did I take a wrong turn at the Cirlce K?   Where did I lose the ability to parent or make a difference, or influence my son’s life?  I have a young man who absolutely refuses to listen to one piece of advice I offer.  Who looks for my core values and then mocks them as if they were the stupidest things a human being could believe.  Not only is that, but then tries to ague that they are not believeable and that anyone who believes like I do is a moron.  His words!!  We never talk.  We only scream at each other.  He walks into a room and my blood pressure rises at least 20 points.  The last time we were together I had to call a doctor afterwards because I thought I was having a heart attack.  This cannot be normal.   I know it’s not because I see other families who love each other and can’t wait to get together and share family time.  The only time I hear from my son is when he is in need.  He has never called me once time to say hey dad what’s up.  Now all of the conversations start out that way but then there is the, hey I need a favor or I got to have this or that.  When I tell him all he wants is money or work done on his car or anything else then he hits me with its all about the money or all about the material things to me. Well I guess so because from my view that’s all our relationship is him needing, me providing.  I guess my father providing I got but he would have never provided for me if all I ever did was piss him off I can promise. 

I can’t blame my inability to be a Dad on my son.  He tells me all the time I don’t know him.  How can you get to know someone who assaults you at every turn?  Who takes everything you believe in and makes fun of it.  A young man who anytime you open your month to try to get to know him turns the conversation into some kind of twisted psycho analysis of your thoughts and how you are simple minded and need help.  Is this a person anyone wants to know?  I think not.  

So we have another Father Day behind us.  I missed my Dad yesterday.  I was trying to remember did I honor him enough when he was here?  Did I always thank him for his sacrifices during my formative years, the years he worked all of those jobs so we could be home with my Mom.  All of those late night and sleepless days he kept up the pace so we could have what we needed.  As I sit here now I know I didn’t do enough.  I surely hope that he knows I meant too.  I should have hugged him more; I should have told him I loved him more.  Even if he didn’t tell me back.  I should have taken him to lunch more when I had the chance.  Man I miss him. 

Maybe my son is my Karma, for not doing all of those things for a man who sacrificed so much for me?  If so, then as they say Karma is a bitch!!  My son and I will never be close because neither of us is willing to take the others point of view.  I simply can’t compromise my values and give into his unrealistic ramblings as the way it is.  He can’t never see himself as a member of society working and being a part of the solution and not the problem.  My words there, not his.

So I guess Fathers Day will always be a test for me.  I will never be Ward Clever for sure.  And my son will NEVER be the Beav.  Eddie Haskell maybe!!  There will never be the closing scene of the Walton’s at my house either with all of the Goodnight Grandpa’s, Goodnight John Boy.  I will have to simply accept that fatherhood is not that for me.  I will continue my efforts to leave the world a man and not a burden.  Hope all of your Fathers days are happy and loved filled.

Happy Fathers Dad, I miss and Love you very much.

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Apple

We have all heard the analogies used around the apple.  On bad apple spoils the bunch, an apple a day and numerous others.  Well my favorite for many years has been one my granny used to say about wild children and their parents; “The apple didn’t fall far from the tree”  I have heard it a million times.  Mostly about a few of my wild cousins during our formative years and we were experimenting with shall we say life.  I was blessed to always be smart enough to never be the first to yell “Hey y’all watch this” another great saying from the south!  In case you didn’t know nothing good ever happens once this has been shouted!!

Well I digress.   As you might have read my family is a tad split for the time being.  The wife is in Florida with the kids, read cats, and I am holding down the home front trying to get the house on the market to sell.  Well this leaves me to my own devises and that could be scary.  Well in steps my adopted sister watching me as if I was one of her own “Chickens”, read kids there as well.  I think I have eaten every meal with them since the wife departed.  And they are wonderful times.  How special is it I have two places to call home?  There and Florida. 

Well last night I had the extreme pleasure of having dinner with the youngest child of my adopted family and sister.  And here is where the saying comes into play.  I called and asked her if she had dinner plans.  Her husband, a pilot, is gone some and her, a student in an accelerated nursing program she doesn’t see the light of day often between studying and the brief moments she sees her husband.  Who deserves a complete post of his own a more special young man I haven’t met.  She said no, I said come eat with me.  She seemed excited and we went to dinner.  At a funky kind of place in a midtown area of our city, where all the artsy, earth shoed, laid back people live.

Now this is a special young lady whom I have seen grow up from the age of about 12 I am guessing.  She, like her mother, is a stunning beautiful woman.  However, she is special as she doesn’t have a bit of air about her.  And, like her mother, more beautiful on the inside, caring, thoughtful, concerned, attentive when in conversation, and allowing in every part of her life that I see anyway.  Well as we sat there last night I was totally blown away as we talked.  It had to be like talking to her mother 25 years ago.  Has a plan, knows where she is going and can’t wait for the next chapter.  She graduates in December and will either return to school or work a bit depends on how she feels I am guessing.  As we sat outside on an unusually pretty night here for this time of year I was struck with the saying “The Apple didn’t fall from the tree” and what a precious apple this one is.  I think we all have moments when we wished our children turn out like someone else’s.  You know the kids that seem to be perfect.  Well this child is one of those.  Now I will add a sidebar that I know this child is not perfect.  However, she is close I have been around during times she had troubles like when she wrecked her new car the day she got it!!!  But I still believe it couldn’t have been her fault!!  Yes, I love this child. 

I had a blast and for a brief moment got to be with this wonderful young woman with no one else around.  As I think back I can’t remember ever being granted that pleasure.  I have always loved her but last night was special because I had her full attention.  It was like when I am with her Mother and it’s just us, rare.  It’s like when I am with my wife and it’s just us rarer still.  There is something about one or one conversations with the people you love that are more special than when you are in a group even if the group is family.  I will always treasure last night.  More than likely she just saw it as a dinner with one of her Mom’s friends.  I saw it as dinner with a daughter I could only dream of having.  I promise, like her parents, I would be one proud father!!

This wouldn’t be a complete parent child  post without the mention of my son.  Did that apple fall far from the tree?  A question that is so debatable that it would take years to answer.  Do I love him, of course?  Is he like me?  Not in my mind or the mind of anyone who knows me.  However, I find it so unreal that he claims publicly and loudly to be exactly like I am.  Now anyone who knows him laughs out loud whenever he says it and he seems to almost get mad.  I have no clue what to do about that.  I want to make sure and say I am proud of him.  We disagree on every issue we ever talk about.  We have nothing in common; however, god love him for standing up for what he sees as just and right.  Something sometimes I was never strong enough to do.  So did that apple fall far from the tree, I say he isn’t in my orchard, but he is mine whether thrown over the fence or simply dropped by the gods as a test to me he is mine.

So as I look at the contrast of these 2 very special young people mine the opposite of the one I wish he could be; her, the absolute picture of what we all would want as a daughter.  I wish both of these special young people the best life they can make.  And I only hope my sister knows how special her apple is that fell so close to the trunk it is scary I am so proud for her and the daughter.

Well I think I will go find that picture of my granny and my dad and thank them for everything they did for me during my years.  I can only hope that someone one day will compare me to either of my parents, could there be a high complement given to a person.  I think not.

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Cats

We are cat people. I know that some of you can’t understand that but we are. But not just any cats we have Cornish Rex cats. These are special cats that act more like dogs than cats. They come when you call them and really need to be around people strange as that sounds they are a lot of fun and hypo-allergenic as well. Now I tell you that to start my story.


As most of you know we have been blessed to get a place in The Villages Florida. This has been a wonderful experience and we are finally settling in down there. The house has been totally repainted, thank you adopted sister and company. We have purchased 2 golf carts and are really making the place ours.

Well this past weekend we made a larger commitment to The Villages and we moved the wife and the cats down. Our logic is it is much easier to sell a house that doesn’t have cat boxes in it than one that does. So the wife and the kids have moved leaving me in this huge house all alone. Now I agreed to this whole heartedly and agree with all of the logic. However, when I returned home yesterday and walked in the house it was like our home has no soul anymore. It’s a feeling I have felt one other time. After my Dad died my Mother never spent another moment in the family home. I came back after the funeral and moved my mother up to live with her mother. When I walked into that house the first time after my Dad and Mother were gone it felt the same way. It is strange. The house is full of furniture. Everything is exactly the same however, it’s like the life has been pulled from the home. I sat there last night trying to put the feelings aside but they wouldn’t leave. I am not a nut case; in our married life my wife has traveled for a living. She has taken trips that took her away for more than two weeks many, many times. I never felt like this. Now before we start the pity party all of this is for a very important reason. Once the house sells then I can start thinking about moving down there. So this is a necessary evil as they say. I write this as a simple expression of a set of feeling much like the others I write about on these pages, strange but real to me.

I am in good hands. I have my adopted sister and numerous others who often ask me over for dinner and fun. I have my work that keeps me busy most nights until later than I like. I have the house here in need of many things to get it ready to become someone new dream home. However, for the meantime it’s still my home. Scratch that our home and it needs some work. So I will work on it until my angel returns which I have been promised will be at least every two weeks. I will also head down there whenever possible. So again I am in transition. What a blessing to be moving towards something that you want so badly it almost hurts. I want to be down there so badly I really cannot explain it. This place is special. But we have already talked about that.


How blessed can one man be to have a full understanding of exactly what a loving home feels like? Can you only imagine the people who daily walk into a building they call home? No special feeling, no over whelming feeling of love, no excitement they you have returned from work. I have 2 places I can feel that today, my adopted sister’s house, and my home in the Villages. Sadly there are thousands of people who never know this and I have had that feeling in every house I have ever lived in and a few that I do not.

So I guess I need to start packing. I have an appointment with destiny and I can’t wait to get down south to my new home. I will be totally focused on selling the house I live in now.



Never dreamed I would ever miss those damn cats!!!!!!


Peace,



The Blessed Man

Thank You Bobbie

If you have read along here you know who Bobbie is, she is my lovely wife’s mother.  And an angel she was if you do not know this simple read a few of the posts about this one of a kind woman who I was proud to call my Mother in law.  I loved her like I loved my mother a sweeter woman has never graced god’s earth.  As you might have read Bobbie left us last September to be in heaven.

We are blessed to be able to ride stand by on a major airline due to my wife’s long and storied career.  So we often take trips to wonderful, places.  Bobbie had a love of coins that is the stuff of legend; she loved and collected them for years.  Well a tradition has grown from this love.  Shortly after Bobbies’ passing we were trying to get on a flight that was extremely over booked.  We only can ride if there is an empty seat and the way it is today that’s very rare so we choose our flights with great care.  But we decided to stand by anyway and see what happened.  As we were going through security my wife looks down and finds a penny.  She picked it up and said this was a sign from Bobbie that we were going to be just fine.  I said great and we headed to the gate.  As we sat there it looked no better.  Suddenly the gate agent called our names and we got 2 seats and they were  together and we were the last two names called.  I was stunned to say the least and the wife looked at me and said Bobbie has once again taken care of us.  Since that happened we have done this a number of times always at the last minute we are boarded and off we go.  I am starting to look for those pennies now!!

Well my wife’s son turned forty last week.  He wanted her to be there in the worst way and she wanted me to go with her.  So understand this is on a Thursday and I have to work on Friday.  So the plan was to go to Minneapolis Thursday afternoon and return at 6am to home for me to work.   We arrive at the airport and as we are going through security the TSA holds out a small bowl and tells my wife you left something in your contents bowl.  Yes Sir it was a penny!!!!  We head to gate full knowing Bobbie is on hand and working hard to get us to the birthday dinner, because Bobbie was a huge influence on my wife’s son.  She watched/raised him while my wife worked evenings at the Atlanta airport years ago when he was a small boy.  So as the flight get closer it fills up.  There is a decision made that if we go to Chicago we can then connect to MSP, from there and all will be good.  So we quickly get the last 2 seat to Chicago and head north.  We are on our way and Bobbie is with us.  We arrived in Chicago the MSP flight was the next gate, thank you Bobbie, we sat there and the flight fills and leaves without us!  What has happened?  We were to be on that flight?  As my wife and her son search for options there are simply not any.  As I sit in the gate sadden because I know how much this means to my wife the decision is made we will return to home through Atlanta.  We will get back home around 11pm but no birthday dinner.  A very sad mother tells her son she loves him and we head to get something to eat.  We find all of the restaurants are over flowing so we get something fast and return to the gate.  Now across the hall there is a MSP flight that had cancelled from the morning there.  The wife has asked if her status as a retired instructor would allow us to ride what is called a ferry back to MSP.  The gentleman behind the gate, a pilot, says he doesn’t think so, so sadly we continued with the retune home plans.   As we sat down to enjoy our fast food we hear from across the hall our names being called.  What we looked at each other and promptly left all of our food and drinks sitting there and ran across the hall.  We were given two First Class boarding passed and escorted onto and empty plane except for 2 flight attendants and one other person.  All in first class and happy as larks!!!!  The wife calls her son.  He answers with the following statement “Mom I was just sitting here wishing you would call me and tell me you were on the plane and heading to eat dinner” much to his surprise she told him we were and would see him shortly!  He simply couldn’t believe it and kept repeating shut your mouth!! But all seemed to forget, save Bobbie, that  this was a very special occasion and one needs to always travel to special occasions in style.  Well a 140 seat airplane empty except for you and 3 others is pretty special.  We arrived took a cab to the dinner spot and had a wonderful evening.  Thank You Bobbie!!!

We returned the next morning it was very uneventful thank goodness.  I think Bobbie knew she had me maxed out the day before.  She did always love to mess with me.

I will never look at a penny the same after this trip…..

Peace,

The Blessed Man

58

Well my adopted sister is getting older!!!

She recently turned 58, still as pretty as a picture and even prettier on the inside.  We have seen a lot together in the 10 years or so we have been together.  The marriages of all of her children except one.  The birth of her first Grandbaby which is turning out to be the smartest baby in the world, imagine that, and the announcement of the coming grandbaby two.  And numerous other things I think are special.   

As I was surfing the internet the other day I saw something that really caught my eye.  It was a framed grouping of dates and at the bottom it said what a difference a day makes.  Well this was it.  My wife and I totally agreed this was the only thing we could have gotten her that would stand the test of time.  So we contacted the youngest daughter got all of the dates and I made the date page and the wife framed it.  Which by the way looked like a professional did it very nice!!

As I looked at that piece I realized that the most important date, to me, was missing.  That’s right the date I met her.  I remember it as if it were yesterday.  We were invited to a dinner party at a friend’s house and she was there with sitting next to this guy she called her  “date”!!  We sat across from each other and had a blast.  Then about a week later we were at her “date’s” house for mystery dinner and got to meet her husband, what a guy.  He has turned out to have become one of my closest friends.  If you have read one story on these pages you know what these people mean to me.

Back to the gift; we made the picture.  I had made her oldest son a set of lamps from two large format wine bottles.  We had a wedding shower at our house for them and had everyone who attended sign the bottles.  Then I made the lamps.  Never mind it has been well over a year since they married!!!  Well anyway he shows up to get his lamps and sees the gift.  He stares at it then says this is so cool!!  He says you know she is going to cry!!!  She comes in the door we have the picture where she always goes first and sure enough she didn’t even get all of the way through it and started to cry.  Of course she started taking pictures of it and emailing all of the kids.  The dates we used were the day they married, then the birthday of each child.  She seemed to really like it which is all that matter to the wife and I.  We love these people like no one will ever know.  They are much closer than friends they are in some strange way closer than family.  I think that because family you can’t do anything about, they are there whether you like them, or not.  We have a special relationship because we do not have to be together, we stay together because we love each other.  We have made it through some bad times with my son.  My adopted sister and I do not share the same opinions about him but we still are together.  Simple friends might have not been able to get over a difference like a child but we are closer now because of my trails with him. 

So as I look back on what we all thought was just another dinner party with friends.  It turned into a night that changed the lives of two people forever, those people my wife and I.

So I really do agree

What a difference a day makes

Happy Birthday my dear thank you for sharing your special family and life with us…..

Peace,

The Blessed Man

The Last

As everyone was enjoying their wonderful Memorial Day holiday weekend in a small local funeral home a passing happened that is landmark to a small group of brothers.  You see my friend Scott lost his mother this weekend.  She was the last of the parents of the three stooges as were so fondly referred to in our youth.  So now all we have is each other. 

Ricky, Scott and I were inseparable during our High School years.  Every weekend we were together and sometimes school nights.  We learned to drive together, learned to drink together, learned to fight together, and learned about girls together.  Well, all we could so to speak.  And our parent took us as each one theirs.  I can remember Scotts Mom and Dad getting on me as if I belonged to them.  We had to live by the same standards in each other’s houses as if we lived there!  I can remember in each place there were rules that were to be adhered to no matter what or who you were.

As I walked in the Funeral home on Saturday and I saw my friend.  He looked up smiled and eyes filled with tears.  You see I haven’t see Scott in over 15 years.  He said as we embraced I was hoping you would be here.  I looked up with tear filled eyes and told him I would be no other place.  We hugged for a while and then he realized we were being unmanly and awkwardly parted. What a special moment for me.  You see Scott was our wild child, after high school he fell into a rough group.  Joined a motorcycle gang and was a rather wild in all parts of his life. I can remember shortly after high school his parents had an annual gathering at their home.  The three stooges had always been included and we were once again.  Ricky and I showed up right on time and were catching everyone up on our doings since the last gathering and here comes Scott rolled up on his Harley dirty blue jeans, tee shirt, leather jacket, long bread and hair.  His Mother told him he had forgotten all of his raising and shouldn’t disrespect them as he was doing.  Scott not saying a word got back on his bike, and rode away.  Only to return in about 30 minutes in a three piece suit that he barley could get into. Vest buttons straining like a dike in Amsterdam, pants barely covering his boots, a shirt that he couldn’t have buttoned around his arm and a tie that is was obvious he had forgotten how to tie years ago.  But he was in the best thing he had.  His mother looked at him and walked over hugging him and kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear.  “I will never do that to you again.  You are my son and I love you just like you are.  Thanks for trying to please your Dad and I.  Don’t ever change”.  What a special moment we all had right then.  Well, that special lady is gone now and the three stooges are without supervision.  What a scary thought. 

As we visited at the funeral home it was like old times we relived many of our most legendary moments from the past.  All of Scott’s children standing agape as the stories seemed to get crazier as we continued.  His son finally looked at us and said y’all were a lot crazier than you ever allowed me to be.  To which Scott replied yep and that’s how it will always be.   We all laughed and enjoyed the time together. 

When the service was over we all made the promise to get together soon and try to stay in touch.  I sure hope we all do that.

I can just see the table in heaven right now.  Googie and Bobbie Faye, Ricky’s parents, Bernie and Roberta, Scotts parents, and Bill and Billie, mine.  Are all there reliving our escaped and laughing at the thought we always thought they never knew. And, I hope being proud of the job they did with all of us.  I know I am proud to say I am one of a few that had 3 sets of parents and didn’t come from a “Broken home” I had an extended home and at every place was loved, corrected, and cared for as if I was born into that family.  Talk about blessed.

God Bless each of you my parents.  And please be with the three stooges as we try to become whatever it is we will become. 

Thanks for the help…

Peace,

The Blessed Man