Lost

Don’t you hate it when you lose something? Especially when that something is important to you. Like your car keys that you knew were just in your hand or you put in your purse just as you got out of the car? I know I do. I often lose things thankfully, rarely, are they important.


However, this time I have lost something that I always thought was important. You see I have truly lost my son.

I was talking the other day to someone who knows more about things than me and we were talking about mine and my son’s relationship. It has never been anything but dysfunctional at best. He and I both hard headed about the things we both believe. As I sat there talking to this person the conversation didn’t last long about my son and I it turned to a place that I never expected. It turned to what is a relationship? What a great question. Think about that for a minute what is a relationship? It is a give and take interaction between two people who are willing to try to have some common ground so they can deepen their feeling for each other on. Very basis I guess but my definition not Webster’s there.

So as I reflect on my relationship with my son I suddenly realize that he is not in a relationship I am. I try to do all of the things a father does, support, advice, comfort, love, care and guide. So I am in a relationship with him. He with me not so much, all he does is call only when he is in a crisis and he must have help getting out of this crisis. So as we look at it he gives nothing but, trouble, heartache, problems, issues, and upheaval. While none of this is in anyway a pleasant feeling for me. He has never put one piece of emotion into our relationship to try to make me feel better about him or anything about him. He simply walks into a room and very routinely and quite purposely stresses me to the max. He is not happy unless I am unhappy. His total goal in life, I believe, is to make mine miserable. And he is very good at making sure he accomplishes his goal. So if we take my definition he gives nothing of value to build anything of value on. You can’t build anything on stress, madness, frustration, and the feeling of being taken advantage of. At least I can’t.


Now before I hear all of the young people supporters out there. You need to give him a chance. He is just trying to find himself. He is a good kid at heart. He will be fine one day. Ok that’s cool with me not sweat he might but if we continue at this pace I will not be here to see any of the miracle of the turnaround of my son. You see I will be dead. My blood pressure is skyrocketing. My health is fading and I contribute most of it to him and a small amount to my job. The job piece I can fix. Money isn’t everything you leave your job for a less stressful one problem solved. And I am actively seeking a solution to the job stresses.


So how do you just leave your Son? What a question. How many Fathers out there have this issue? Well since I have been on my quest to try to find an answer to this important question I have found a few. I spoke with a friend recently. Who years ago came to the place where I am today. You have to cut the ties and save yourself. Is it right? Who knows he seems to have survived as have his sons. Are they close? I think they would say yes. Do they speak on occasion? He tells me they have learned to control their on environment and are making head way in this journey called life. How is he? Marked from the experience, you can see it in his eyes whenever he talks about it. But he wears the mark like a badge of courage. He was willing, and able, to server ties. Cut them off let them sink. How hard was that I asked? He said it was the hardest thing he has ever done. I asked harder than the pain and suffering of the relationship prior to that point? He said yes! Wow what a thing to look forward to. However, for the sake of my son and his ability to make a life for himself and possibly a partner he needs this hard life lesson.


So I will have friends and people I love dearly tell me I am crazy and this is wrong. They might be right but I know I can’t go on like this another day.


The sound of your child’s voice should never bring instant and deep feels of dread. The sight of them should never make you crazy. Their presents in a room should never make you nervous or uncomfortable. If any of those things happen then you are not in a healthy functioning relationship with that person. This is how I feel whenever my son and I interact. Not good.


So I guess this is one time that the old blessed man isn’t so blessed. Or maybe I am. Maybe, just maybe when this is all over I will have a relationship with someone I have loved forever. Maybe the bible story is true and the prodigal son will return home humbled and gracious and understanding of all of the things he once had. I can promise one thing for sure. If I ever see him coming over the hill I will run to meet him and yes we will have one hell of a party, for his return.

I guess once a daddy always a daddy.



Wish me luck!



Peace,



The Blessed Man

Inevitable II

Well as predicted, in the earlier inevitable post, my friends Father passed away. I am reminder often when this happens to someone especially when they are as close as this guy is to me the old saying “You become a man the day your Father dies”. Nothing can be truer. He no longer has the safety net to operate above. You know I can remember always knowing in the back of my mind that my Dad was there. I would go long periods, after I moved out and before the cancer, where we would never even speak. It never seemed to bother him. I guess he kept up with me thru mother most of the time, if he ever did. However, there were always the times when I had a tuff one and he was always there. Never with the where you been or now you want to talk, just solid loving advice that I wished I had taken every time. I would be much further in my life had I done that one small thing!

So my friend texted me, to tell of his dads passing, and I felt a feeling that you only get when you know someone just became a member of the man club. It happened to me and now it has happened to him. He has been blessed to have his Dad for all of his almost 60 years. He spoke today of his father and how he influenced him in every aspect of his life. My friend worked today, yes the day after his father passing. You see my friend has one of the most important jobs in the world. He is an example. His every word and action are constantly being watched and analyzed by his friends, co-workers, and his enemies. Quite an unenviable position, I would imagine. He seems to just glide along, always smiling, having a kind or encouraging word for any and all he comes in contact with. He is a wonderful father to his children. He is also a good husband, like us all, he married way out of his zip code and truly loves his wife. He is also a good friend, this maybe his best trait, since it is the basis of my interaction. He has always been there for me. And lord knows I have needed him. He is the most non judgmental person I think I have ever sat and talked with. He makes no claim to know all of the answers but will assure you, the answers are there and together they will come to us. Just saddle up next to him and we will get to the answers.

I love my friend and welcome him into the club of men who have to live without their Dads. It is a club which no one hopes to be a member, but one where all of the membership has all walked the same road. It is also a supporting membership of each other. Maybe now I can be the friend, to my friend, he has always been to me.

I love ya MBFAM

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Icing

I often wonder why the good lord chose to make me wait until later in my life to find the members of my Memphis family. I think I would not have appreciated them nor enjoyed them as much in my earlier care free years. As you have read here on numerous occasions the wonderfully special times I have had with this very tight knit group. Well get ready here comes another one!

Last night was the 61st birthday of my good friend who heads up the faction of the family that includes my claimed sister, his wife. They are the ones who are expecting the first grandchild. Well last night at his birthday celebration they revealed the sex of the chosen one. It was very cool evening. The Grand Parents to be had asked each guest to dress in either Pink or Blue depending on your guess, as to the Baby’s gender. My wife, Mother-in-Law and I were all in the Blue camp. To be honest the blues outnumbered the pinks almost 2 to one. At any rate that was the gist of the gathering.

What makes this a special thing is how they did it. The ultrasound was a week ago. They asked the nurse to make sure neither of them was able to see the sex of the child. As the nurse neared the area of revealing she told all to look away. The father asked can you tell? She said yes. He says it’s a boy? She said you can tell boy, or girl so do not read anything into her comment she only said she could tell. Then she placed the gender on a card sealed it into an envelope and they took it to a bakery. The bakery then made the Fathers birthday cake. The kicker? The middle layer of icing was either going to be pink for the girl or blue for the boy. The cake was Chocolate with chocolate icing so the middle layer would not be revealed until they actually cut the cake. Pretty cool idea if I do say so myself.

The crowd was large and the menu was fried Catfish and French fries so the crowd ate kind of in shifts to make sure all got hot food. When everyone was full of catfish and anticipation it was time to cut the cake. But first they had Tone the Bone say a prayer. Well folks I’m telling you this prayer was something straight from the good lord himself. You have heard of the lord speaking through people, well this was the case. It was a moment I will carry to my grave. Here is an 82 year old man, praying for his Great Grandchild. Tone, a strong man not only in stature but in character his voice cracking and quivering with each heartfelt word. The parents-to-be holding hands, tears streaming from their eyes, the Grandparents-to-be shaking as they tried, to no avail, to hold back the tears. The entire room almost in a trace as Tony prayed for this special child. A joyous moment I am so blessed to have shared with everyone else in that wonderful prayer circle. After a prayer of this origin there is always that moment when everyone lets the joy of the moment simply sweep into their soul and memory banks to recalled for all time.

Well now we cut the cake. The knife has 4 hands on it the grandparents and the parents. The first slice comes out and the color BLUE, the room erupts, the parents embrace. Everyone is hugging everyone, a happier scene there could not have been in the country. And yes the old blessed man was right in the middle of it.

As I think now, I realize why I had to wait until later in life to get to become a part of this amazing group. These are the people that you get to the finish line with, from my amazing supportive wife, whom I met later, to my supportive and loving Memphis family. They all will make my trip to the finish line a smooth and loving experience. I would hope we all will be able to say that in the end. It was a very blessed time. The moments I share with this group only get more special. I can’t wait until the next time this group takes my breath. I promise you will hear about it.

Well I’m off to get ready for another wonderful evening, what a blessing. I hope we are together for another 30 years. Can you die from a joy and love overdose? If so, I think I will try…

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Impact

Something very strange happened last night as the family gathered for dinner. I will explain the happenings, but it is going to take two posts. Once you have read the stories I think you will understand quite clearly why it takes two.

As we sat at the dinner table last night all visiting and excited about being together, the Father of my claimed sister got up to show me something. If you are a reader you will remember the Legacy post, about “The Bone”. What he showed me was a check for a rather large amount of money. I looked at the named of the writer but it meant nothing to me. Tony then sat back down and explained the story behind the check.

Seems when Tony was 16 years old he met another young man on the street one day. They began to talk and Tony realized that this young man was in trouble and needed some help. He promptly took this new friend home and he became part of Tony’s family. He lived there for over 3 years! As the years pasted Tony, and the new friend became closer and closer. They got jobs together and as the writer of the check later told Tony. They became Brothers.

Well, as young men do, they grew apart and lost track of one another. Both when on the have very successful lives, Tony also became the head of one of the finest families I have ever known. The friend he helped on to his career. Well about a year ago a stranger walked into Tony’s business. His daughter was behind the counter and this strange man started asking a lot of questions about the owner Tony. Being the protective daughter she wasn’t giving a lot of information to this unknown man. Well long story short she finally told him that yes indeed this was the Tony he was looking for. He then gave her an envelope to give Tony. A couple of weeks go by and Tony happens by and the daughter hands over the envelope. There inside and wad a cash and a note thanking Tony for his kindness and a contact number. Well you do not have to be Carnac of Johnny Carson fame to know where this is going. The two friends have been reunited and are back close again. Well seems like the new friend has no family and no body to leave his money to so on occasion he passes on a random act of kindness to Tony in the form of some money.

Now that you know the story here comes the hard part. In your life have you impacted anyone? As I sat there last night trying to figure out if I had ever gone that extra mile in my life to impact the outcome of another person not related to me. The only story I can think of is one I will share now.

I have been blessed all my life. When I was in high school I was not in one click I was in them all but the drug click. I was an athlete, I was a little bit of a hell raiser, I was even in the chess club!!! So I was able to walk in many groups. There was this one kid in school he was smaller and a brain. There was something about this kid I liked. I would always speak to him never picked on him liked to talk to him on occasion. I can remember one day groups of my football playing buddies were in the middle of messing with this kid between classes. I was able to stop them and let him go on his way. An act I didn’t even remember until 10 years later.

We were all at the ten year class reunion. And if you went to yours you know how they go. 10 year reunions are for “impressing”, 20 year reunions are for “hey look at my kids”, and 30 year reunions are for “damn it’s good to see you and no that outfit doesn’t make you look fat!”. Well we were all standing around outside when this super stretch Limo pulls up. Everyone was straining to see who was in it. Remember 10 year “impress”, and who ever this is, was doing it in spades! Out steps my little guy. With a young lady that was a foot taller and drop dead gorgeous. Well all the girls were trying to figure out who he was. And all of the guys were trying to figure out who his date was! He walks over to me and I said hello and gave him a hug. He spoke to all I was standing with and looked at me and recounted the story I told above. He told me he never forgot that and how much it meant to him I was willing to take a chance of being made fun of for watching out after a geek. I told him it was nothing and he said it was a turning point for him. He rededicated his life to his passion, computer, and he was now and executive with Microsoft!! I said thanks he gave me a hug and headed back for his limo. I asked where he was going the party was inside. He said he had done what he came to do and was going to dinner. No one else in that room had ever treated him kindly and he was there only to see me! I was shocked to say the least.

I have never told that story in an open forum before because I thought it simply wasn’t important. I only tell it now to make a point that something as small as I did might have an impact on a person’s life. Never let a chance to help and educate pass.

Now let’s look at the two stories side by side. One changed a life forever, Tony’s. Mine was simply what a young man struggling with his identity needed to keep him focused on his dream. I vote for Tony. Taking a stranger into your home? What must his Mother have thought? Is this a testament of the family environment he was raised in? I think so. Has he pasted that Legacy down? Absolutely. If you haven’t figured it out yet Tony is a very special Man, Father, and Friend. May all of us have a “Tone the Bone” in our lives. I promise he makes life fun and special. Just knowing this man has made me a better Man, Dad and Friend I hate my Dad never knew him. They would have liked each other I think.

Once Again I was able to see a life lessoned learned and how important they are to you later. So if you are ever presented with an opportunity to help another don’t pass it by you never know when you might be saving a life, like my friend Tony did.

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Inevitable

A very close friend of mine came to dinner last night. His Father is in the last stages of his life. The doctors are telling him maybe 2 or 3 weeks. He seems to be in a really good state of mind for his situation. We talked about his family and plans as they stood at the time and how everyone was taking the news. It was a very somber meal to say the least.

It also took me back to a time when I was in his exact situation. I can remember going to the Doctors office with my Mom and Dad the day after Thanksgiving 1985. We thought it was a routine visit. His normal doctor had found a small lump under his arm. They had been the week before for a biopsy of the lump and we were just going to get it taken care of. This is a man who smoked 3 packs a day for all of my memory. He was so bad he smoked at the table. And being a good son I always wanted to sit next to my dad. However, a side effect of these, to this day I can’t eat in a restaurant that allows smoking. We sat in the office and waited as you have to do, and they called his name he and my Mom went back. In about 10 minutes my Mother came out and said your Dad wants you back there he sent me out here to get you and I’m to wait here. Well I when back never expecting what I got. They were putting him in the hospital for further testing that day. The doctor would report back to him that night and let him know where we were. Where we were? What does that mean I asked? I was told to just take Mother home. Tell her the doctor was keeping my Dad for tests, out tomorrow, and I was going to stay the night because it was crazy for Mother too. Dad told me to return, with a legal pad I was to buy after I left Mother, and a pen. I, being young and stupid, still had not gotten what was happening. So I very truthfully did exactly like I was told, clueless to the reality I was about to face.

Well it’s no surprise to anyone reading this that I was told my Dad had lymphoma. It was everywhere nothing they could do for him, but make him comfortable and try to manage the pain for the 6 to 8 months he had left on earth. I was devastated to say the least. As I sat there working my way thought this horrible news everything became clear. My Dad, a very organized man, was about to take care of the rest of his life and I was the executor.

We sat up that night and became closer than we had ever been and were until the night I laid him in his bed and knew it was the last time I would see him alive. We worked out all of the arrangements for his funeral. We worked out how my Mother would be taken care of with the money. We worked out how we were going to break the news to her, my sisters and everyone else he felt like needed to know. It was a night I will never forget.

I have often heard you become a man the day your Father dies. As I look back there were never truer words spoken. As long as he was here I had someone to fall back on. I had an advisor/counselor. I had a guy who had my back in all situations that I never had to worry about. When he died that was gone and would never return. I have written here many times that my Dad and I were not close. We weren’t until the last 5 months of his life. As I look back today, 24 years later, I am almost jealous that we were not closer as I was forming but maybe that was designed by him.

As I sat with my friend last night a grown man, of almost 60, I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of all of the years he has had that I didn’t. His Father has seen the birth of all of his children. His Father has held his great grandchildren. He has been to all of the first Christmases of all of the kids. He has been there to watch them, take care of them, and bond with them. I know without a doubt my son would be a better man today if he could have spent one week with my Father. I believe I would be a better man today if I would have had him to guide me along the way. Since my Father death I have made some mistakes I think he would have steered me away from, maybe. He was a big believer in Life Lessons. He always said they were the lesson you learned and never had to revisit. He was right the life lessons I have learned I have never had to be re-taught!

I tried to remember back what people did for me that was meaningful as I walked the road my friend is on today. I simply remember my friends were always there. Never in my face, but always there in case I ever had the slightest need. My best friend of 50 plus years would call me and we would just go riding around, something we did in our youth for relaxation and it still worked. He could, and still can, make me laugh when no one else can break through the sadness. I will comment to be there for my friend. We might not ride around but he loves Starbucks. I can see a lot of coffee in my future.

As we age we all face the inevitable, death. I only hope I can go out with the class like my dad. He even in death took care of us all. What a guy.

We talked about my friends Dads funeral last night. I shared what was the greatest gift I had been given in the whole ordeal with him. After my Dad was buried we went back to my grandmother’s house for the tradition feast that rural people always seem to think necessary. Well all my buddies came back to the house. We started telling stories about my Dad and the things he had said, and done. We laughed for over 4 hours. My Mother often talked about how that was what got her on the road to recovery. She never got over losing my Dad, but she was able to live a better life because we laughed him into heaven as she would say. I suggested my friend do the same thing. I hope he does.

Well I think I will text my friend and let him know I am thinking of him, might even see if he wants a Starbucks.

Peace,

The Blessed Man