Helpless

If there is one emotion / feeling that truly upsets me it is helplessness, especially when it is real.  Well this is so real it hurts.  I am so blessed that my adopted sister and her husband choose to come stay with us for a few days to try to get their hands around the loss of their youngest son.  A feeling that I cannot even start to imagine what they must feel like.

These are two people who mean the world to me.  I would absolutely take a bullet for either one of them.  They far surpass the meaning of true friends, they transcend into family.  Whenever I’m with them I truly feel like I am with family. 

As they spent time here over those 10 days I found myself at such a loss.  I want to grab them both hug them until the pain goes away.  I wish that I could wave a wand and the pain and suffering could be passed to me.  I have a feeling like I have never had as I have to stand there and watch them ache on the inside.  I pray for words and deeds to heal them but they just do not come.  My heart bleeds for my dearest family.  Helpless

You often hear about people getting angry with God.  Why do awful things happen to such wonder people, we ask? As you have read in the prior post over 700 people attended the memorial.  Tell me these people have not touched and changed lives of many.  As we all try, to no avail, to mend a hurt that is unfixable.   

As I was working today I my mind drifted into that place of praying for my family.  As the tears stream down my face and my heart aches to the breaking point I try to understand why.  Then I am blessed to have faith.  I have faith that there is good in this.  I have faith that at the end of this journey we will all emerge stronger, better, closer, more forgiving and loving to one another.  If this tragedy safes another person in need then is it a blessing?  Is this in some way an exercise in brings us all closer? Making us aware of how much we depend on each other to face the day to day struggles we all face.

I still remain helpless.  I will try my best to be strong.  This is my commitment; I will take Jordi’s memory and influence on my life and try to every day look for a chance to use the things he passed along to us all.  That zest for life.  That smile.  Those hug when you walked in the room.  That no fear attitude. These are the things we honor.  Are we sad he is gone? Without question.  Do we understand the reason? Not a chance.  Can we move forward?  I think Jordon would be so disappointed if we didn’t.  The way he lived and acted, stagnation was never an option.  It was move forward, what’s next, let’s go.

I will close with a poem that I truly believe was heaven sent  as I was feeling helpless. I simply hope and pray that my adopted sister and her husband can somehow get to this place.  I Love y'all 

I thought of you today but that’s nothing new

I thought of you yesterday and the days before that too

I think of you in silence, and often speak your name

All I have are memories and a picture in a frame

Your memory is a keepsake from which I will never part

God has you in his arms; I have you in my heart.

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Jordan Davidson Sledd

I have written here often about the additions to my Memphis Family.  The will be the first of a departure.  Jordan left us last week.  He was the youngest of the sons, and the next to the youngest in order in the family, of my adopted sister and her husband.  What a bright, good looking, fun loving, caring, and full of life young man. 

Of course my adopted sister and her husband were my focus when we returned to Memphis to try to be of some kind of comfort and support.  I have never been in a more difficult position.  I recalled trying to support my Mother after my Father’s death.  I didn't do a good job then either I am afraid.  What do you say?  What can you possibly do?  How do you try to express your feelings and support, while in the middle of total devastation about the circumstance.

But let’s talk about Jordi!  What a spirit.  No other way to describe him.  He was different from the others, as they each are but you always knew Jordi was special.  When he walked into a room get ready for a hug that came straight from his heart.  A sweet kiss on your cheek and a special I love you, good to see you, how are you or some other comment of concern and love.  He always looked you in the eye, a very special trait for a younger man.  The room always seemed to be a little brighter whenever Jordan was in it.  Of course there was always a little more anticipation as well for you never knew what was going to happen either which made for so many great moments there is no way to mention them all.

But the real story between Jordan and I few people know.  Because I didn't know it until this week! Jordan was always there for my son.  As you know if you have ever read one post here our relationship is special as well.  But not in a way one would hope for a Father and Son. My son was always in a dark and different world.  When I called him to pass along the news about Jordan there was a very long pause and then with a broken soft voice he said how sad he was and what a great guy Jordan really was.  Then he proceeded to tell me more than one story about how when he was living with me that Jordan on numerous occasions had been there to try to help him make sense out of my rants and raves.  How Jordan gave him his first beer.  How Jordan told him how to survive High School.  How Jordan was always there and never question who he was or what he was doing only accepted him for who he was and never judged him.  A trait I to this day can’t seem to acquire as he pointed that out to me on the phone that day as well.  He was so sadden by not being able to attend the celebration due to the fact he was iced in at his home.  As promised, I filled out a comment card and tried to express his sentiments knowing it was a feeble attempt at best to describe his feeling.  I have heard my son become emotional only one other time in his life when I truly believed he was upset.  That was when his great grandmother on his mom’s side passed away.  I was taken aback by his heartfelt sadness with the news of Jordan.  I didn't know he had a place in his heart like that I guess there still might be hope!

As I sit here and think about Jordan and how I was so bless to be able to interact with him and his family it is simply another example of why I call this lowly place what I do;  A place where a very blessed man is able to talk about the things in life that have changed his life.  Jordan Davidson Sledd was just such a thing.  He changed my life for the better for his allowing me to be a small part of his world.  I was blessed that in his passing has allowed me to see a side of my son I never knew was there.  And through his memory maybe my son and I can find some kind of common ground on which to start to build a better relationship.

Good Shot, Jordan!!!!!

Peace,

The Blessed Man 

Remission

We live our lives waiting on moments that take our breath.  For me the first time I heard my son say Daddy.  I had to great pleasure of watching my adopted sister when she heard Jax Ellis said DeDe.  The same for when her husband when it was Poppy, those moments when a single word can move you to tears.

I wasn't there but for a dear friend of mine this week it must have been even sweeter than the above examples.  You see her daughter has been diagnosed with acute Leukemia.  It was a very sudden diagnoses and one that require very radical treatment.  The family banded together and she moved to be with her daughter to watch her daughter’s daughters!!! She kept us informed as we all start a pray train for this wonderful young woman that few of us had ever meet, but knew her sweet mother.  Well the good Lord found it in his plan to allow my friend to hear this last week that the treatments had been effective and her daughter was in, remission. Can you only imagine the emotion that when through her heart.  To see the daughter that you had wiped her nose and mouth changed those thousand diapers.  Cried over when she as late and didn’t call. The daughter see has seen marry, and have her grandchildren.  The daughter whom she had shared the hugs and kisses of a hundred reunions, was suddenly and thankfully in remission.  I am moved to tears even as I type this.  I can’t imagine living the experience my friend has lived the last few months.  What joy must they have both felt.  Her daughter a strong willed young woman as is her mother, has been confident and sure of this since the beginning.  I could not be happier for all of them.  As I understand it is not over, but the remission makes the maintenance of the disease easier to treat and monitor.

As I write this I can only imagine the raw emotion of that moment.  It has to be the best moment they have spent together.  I know if I heard those words about someone who meant the world to me it would.  May we never have to walk that road, and if we do may you and I have the strength and willpower of my friend and her wonderful daughter.

Call your kids right now and tell them you love them, there but for the will of God go I!

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Anniversary

Anniversary, what a term it can be many things to many people.  For me today it is a very mixed emotion.  You see two years ago today one of the sweetest humans ever to walk this planet when to heaven.  My Mother-in-Law, Bobbie.  There have been many posts about our time together when she lived with us.  Sweet, loving honest, god fearing a better example of the Christian life you would be challenged to find.

With it being 9/11 it also makes it even harder on my lovely wife.  All of the references to the date bring back that early morning call from the hospital to get there fast as Bobbie had taken a turn for the worst.  I can remember the frantic rush of my wife, her son, and his daughters to get there.  Their efforts were rewarded as they were all there when Bobbie made the change from this world to the one with no pain and sadness.  Holding her Mother’s hand my wife actually guided Bobbie to a place she lived her entire life to see.  If you believe like me, what a sight that must have been to see it for the first time the pearly gates, the friends and family to welcome you home.  The tears of joy, the songs of pure celebration for the newest arrival Ms. Bobbie, who had a seat on the front row, right up there with my Granny and my Mother.   I can imagine my mother now hugging Bobbie and telling her how happy she is to see her.  They loved one another so much on the rare occasions they saw each other it was pure joy to see them interact. What a homecoming for a lady with all those brothers and sisters she used to tell me about.  The crowd must have been huge.  But I have said these things before.

Today as I look back on these two years since we have only had her in spirit I realize that she has never left us.  The random penny we find in an airport.  Bobbie loved coins and she leaves them all over for us as a sign she is with us.  The calmness that I sometime experience when I am at my lowest suddenly I will think about her and one of my favorite things she did.  My, My!!  I can hear her like she was sitting at the table.  My, My all of this fuss over such a small thing!! I sure miss my,  My, My’s.

Well as I know the place in my heart that was Bobbie’s to fill is still full to overflowing I know she is still out there actively making sure my wife and I are happy and loving towards each other and to others as she was.  Thank you Bobbie for all you gave me, the lesson learned, the history you witnessed and passed to me, the love and sweetness you tried to pass along.  The laughs that came at just the right moment, and the peace you taught me that sometimes you just have to turn it over to the universe and let the higher power handle it.

My, My  the things I learned!!!!!

Peace,

The Blessed man

Father's Day Epilog

Well as my Mother used to say “Blow me over with a feather!”

As I was out yesterday doing what this Dad really wanted to do, play golf, my phone rings.

Yes sir, it was my young son.  In his best morning voice he says happy father’s day!  I almost fainted.  Never mind it 2:30 in the afternoon but I didn’t care, he called.  Shocked and in disbelief I told him thanks and that I loved him.  He returned the kindness and hung up.  Now I have been a Dad for 23 years.  This is the first unprompted call or recognition I have ever receives in those 23 years.  As I returned to my golf game I was amazed he actually called.  I know his Mom didn’t remind him due to his morning voice, he hadn’t talked to her.  Maybe his roommate called his dad and he figured he would call me?  What do I know what he feels or how he acts.  I was just shocked he called.

What a start maybe he has turned the corner maybe we will have a relationship.  At the very least I have a phone call to hold onto for now.

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Father's Day

Well here we are again the day I am not sure exactly how to feel.  I feel a hole in my heart because I miss my Dad.  I also feel a hole in my head because I feel like I have failed my son so badly.  But that will only be determined at the end of my son’s life I guess.  I truly feel like I have had no influence on him at all.  Time will only tell.

However there is a story to be told here.  I have just spent a week with my adopted sisters Grand Son, Jax Ellis.  What a kid!  He is funny and now is two.  We all know what two means it’s just another word for NO!  What a pleasure it was on the first day to watch his father my sister’s second oldest son.  His loving ways were so apparent with young Jax it’s so wonderful to see.  But then you think about his mentor and father and you know there was no way he could be anything but the best day ever.  You see his father, my sister’s husband of 30+ years, is one of the most dedicated dads of all time.  He loves his kids and will do just about anything to make sure they learn the correct lessons in life.  He is so talented at knowing exactly when to give in and exactly when to stand his ground.  All of his children simply adore him, as do I.  As we say in the south this apple didn’t fall from the tree.  Jax’s dad is one great guy.  Jax will be a smarter better young man because of the family he was born into.  As I posted when young Jax was born he has been blessed beyond anything he could have wished for.

This is the first Father’s day where 2 of these families’ sons have kids of their own.  It has been such a pleasure to watch these young people turn into great young adults and parent as they start their lives as parent.  Each having parents that have taught them values and important lessons that they will be passing along to their young ones.  I guess I will live through them watching and enjoying their young ones every chance I get.  I was just about blown away last week when young Jax came running over to me and jumped up in my lap.  Something no child has ever done in my life!  I was so taken aback by his actions. I can’t describe the feeling for just a second I was able to understand how my adopted sister must feel every time she is in the room with her grandbabies.  The pure emotion and unconditional love that little boy in my lap was giving to me at that moment was like nothing I have ever known.  Warmth I know every grandparent must feel.  It was special to say the least. Thanks Jax for giving this old man a moment to get it and finally understand a little bit of the grandparent thing.  Now I have two granddaughters that I love dearly.  They are older and much more independent.  They are sweet and fun to be with.  They are much closer to their Mimi than to me and that’s cool I still enjoy watching my wife and the girls dance and sing and act the same age. I have become closer to them through things and events of late that are another post altogether.  I am hoping they are coming for a visit sooner rather than later.

So I am still confused about this day.  I remember looking forward to this day when I was young because we allowed my Dad to kinda do his thing on this day.  More likely than not he worked but my Mom would always cook his favorite meal us, the kids, were always on our best behavior because this was Dads day and a day we thanked him for all of his sacrifices he made every day of his life for us.  I sure wish he was here to let me thank him one more time and to try to figure out where I when wrong in a department in which I had such a good teacher. 

I guess I need to count my blessing here and not look at the bad.  I have 2 great grand kids.  I am blessed to have 3 others I will adopt like I did my sister.  And how can that be a bad thing?  If your Dad is here call him, hug him, and tell him how important he is to you.  I can’t tell you how it feels to have those feelings and not be able to pass them onto the person who makes them happen in your heart. 

Peace,

The Blessed Man

Ten Years

WOW my how times flies when you’re having fun.  I have heard that a thousand times in my life but never really had a true sense of it until this week.  You see 10 years ago the greatest thing happened to me.   I married my sweet angel from heaven above.  Now let me make this clear it was after a nine year chase!! I have never had a partner like her, always there in good times and bad.  I am very blessed that the bad times seem to fade very quickly and the good times seem to never end.  We have seen a lot in our 19 years together. We have seen the marriage and divorce of her son, the birth of her two wonderful granddaughters.  Two Career changes for me. The trials and tribulations of my young son and the constant turmoil he brought to our home.  We have built two houses.  Move into another 2 more and through it all we have stayed together.  There is a lot to be said about that.  My son tried his best to separate us and almost succeeded but in the end our love for each other helped us to weather that storm. 

I can still remember the very first time I saw her; she was wearing a green madras plaid shirt and white jeans.  Looking like a million dollars.  I had no clue who she was I just know that deep in my heart something when pop that had never been awaken before, and I have never been the same.   I am not sure she knows it but there are times when I look at her and that pop happens again.  No one has ever affected me in this way before or since.  I hear people talk about Soulmates I truly have one.  It’s a feeling every human being should know.  There is a love you read about called Agape love this is the love I have for her.  The kind of love that if she were gone I would have a whole in my being so gaping it would be visible from space.  Some people may tell you that no one should have that kind of effect on anyone.  Are they ever wrong.  These are the people that have never had the feeling I am sure of it.

Well as we head into the next ten years I can’t wait.  I know some of the things waiting.  Retirement for me.  Then we will be together all the time and I think that will be cool.  Friends being reunited and coming together.  When our Memphis family gets down here the band will be back together and then my life will be a dream come true.  Good health for us all.  I have changed my lifestyle in an attempt to make sure I am here for many years to come.  As I often say “I want the last check to bounce!!!”

Well here’s to another 10 just like this ten my sweet angel.  You are one of the main reasons I am The Blessed Man 

Peace,

The Blessed Man